PURE ECSTASY

i just read through all of these entries and a lot of things have changed. firstly, Xam is totally out of my life which should be really weird, but is actually not. When i got back from Utah, i had one really hectic week of running errands and getting ready for school and chillin' with Catie before she went off to Boston, and then i went back to Rutgers. I saw Xam once between those times, while trippin on some lucy in the middle of the Pine Barrens for the Jersey Devil Fest. It was the first time we saw each other/spoke since before Utah and he had brought a date. I sincerely didn't mind. I guess our "relationship" was out of convenience and a mutual need to fuck and all of my inner-insanity about it was fabricated out of boredom and the rut one gets stuck in while they're home for summer. since being back at rutgers this year, he lives inconveniantly far and i'm way too busy with other things and we just...stopped. but not even just him, i hardly see russell or napalm or ben either. they're just not in the cards for this semester. i am so fine with that. i have way too many more important things to write about!

more important thing numero uno: i had my first Dead experience. oh my god. that insanity that i thought was creeping up on me for the past six months? gone. everything explained in one simple (but so not simple) grateful dead show. i went to see Phil Lesh with Knief at the Nokia Theatre on November 6, 2008 and my life changed. even more extremely than when i got back from Utah. FIRST, i was rolling hardcore on molly. best drug ever. even better than acid? i dunno, i'd have to take acid at a Dead show to really make that comparison. I totally understand the idea of the Deadhead now. I had an inkling of what was really going on (until now), and Knief knew that and he's been guiding me to my revelation for awhile now. Knief and I have had our differences but we've always come together over the Grateful Dead. We both get it. He GOT it, i only got it but now i GET it. DISCLAIMER: this might not make sense to you if you're not a deadhead and you might think im truly insane but i guarantee i am more sane than you'll ever ever ever be. Ok, so Phil played that show soley/soul-ly for me. he felt my new, fresh, and sincere energy and he personalized that show for me. but it's not like that. he really played it for everyone but that's whats so great about the dead...ahhh i dont know i really cant explain. i think that's why it's such a secret society. if too many people knew or if it could be explained in one short blog entry, the jig would be up. all i am allowed to say is there is magic in this world, there are alternate dimensions. drugs enhance and speed up the process, but i think the meaning of life is to try to reach this revelation without drugs. and really, that makes total sense. age old. buddha. nirvana. meditation. dr. seuss. siddhartha. basis of religion, really.
so Phil Lesh changed my life and wha t i honestly want to do but don;t know if i have the guts to do it is drop out of school and devote my life to following Phil Lesh & his Friends. Like, i know im not crazy because Knief knows whats up...all those old heads know whats up, they're still representing at the shows for a fucking reason, man. magiccccccccccccccccc. "you were the landmark of the show" {hugs random old head after show that was walking by for 30 seconds}---"keep smiling...you have the perfect smile" "that girl you're with has good karma, keep her that way" the space dancing....the SPACE DANCING, the molly, Golden road to unlimited devotion, turn on your love light (let it shine on me), hugs, EVERYBODY SMILING, everybody dancing, everybody feeling the fucking MUSIC the fucking ENERGY, OBAMAAAAAA, dancing in the streets, kindness of strangers (really family though...my tribe<3), i'd rather be with you, mindfucking, eli, eli, eli, smiling, the BASS, LESH PHIL PLAY, everything making sense......all the literature ive read on the dead, the hours of time i spent listening to their shows was for a reason it makes sense.....everything was perfect nothing bad happened, we were so LUCKY all the time, the knowing grins of the old heads, everybody feeling and knowing it was my first show, the pure ecstacy drug induced and otherwise......i think ive said too much but not enough at all. i think ive said more than im allowed. people that hhave it in them already but just havent learned WILL learn. they need a knief. i'll be their knief. ill guide them but i wont let them in on it. they need to discover the capability of humans for themselves. all they need to know is they'll be happy and never want to stop dancing or giving hugs. and who doesnt want that? if someone doesnt want that, then they dont deserve to know the truth thats out there. knief said that when (not if) i go to gathering of the vibes this summer, he'll let me in on his familys handshake. like, i never understood knief's obsession with me and thats what really turned me off of him but now i know that he saw in me something i knew was there but didnt know what to do about it. "help is on the way" was the first song phil played. oh how he knows. when i was rolling hardcore and reveling in my revelations (everyone has their own path they need to find and follow) there was a lot of mindfuck about how i should feel about knief now that we share such a surreal but REAL connection and....but i know his purpose was fulfilled. he was not meant to be my lover but my companion, my friend, my family. we cant ignore what we both now about the world so we'll always have that ("we'll always have the dead") but i let him know that i'm not interested in.....basically having sex with him. yeah......as fantastic as a person he is, we never had good sexual chemistry, just good cuddling chemistry! anywho, i have someone so better for That, and for so much More.

which brings me to more important thing numero dos: elijah snyder-vidmar. the fate of the hyphenated elite bringing two kind souls together! what a dreamboat! exudes sexuality, but has little moments of awkwardness that serve to make me feel better about myself. :-). sometimes i just wonder how someone so remarkable could be interested in ME? but then i lay off the self-doubt and realize i can be cool sometimes too, maybe lol. my housemates keep asking me if we're dating, and all i can do is smile. i don't date. i don't do boyfriends. i tried to see maybe if i could with Bret but that didnt work out so well. i mean brets obviously still one of my best friends but thats for sure all we'll ever be. i just cant do it. i dont know if its solely that constricting title of "boyfriend & girlfriend" that bugs me....nah i would definitley have pride in being eli's girlfriend. but i really just dont like being in a relationship like that. its so much pressure. when i was with bret, i wasnt living my life anymore, i was living OUR life...like, having to call him to make sure its ok if i go out without him and then he'd want to come and then id feel obligated to hang out around him instead of just dancing and having a good time. thats one major thing i like about eli----we can fucking DANCE. thats real imporant to me. i just have such a good time when i'm with him. i see a lot of myself in him and i think he sees a lot of himself in me. we both have a lot of inner turmoil but at least for me, it disappears when i'm around him. at the Phil show, i spent so long deciding in my head whether to text him or not and in the end, i did and it was the right decision. the crowd didnt seem to think so at first cause i think knief was let down and everybody came down a little but then through smiling and dancing and good energy and good karma that ive been actively building my entire life, by Sugar Magnolia everything was OK again, i emitted my good vibrations about eli to the crowd and they accepted me as the Sugar Magnolia that I (and everybody else at the show) am inside. I texted him "I wish I rolled with You". what i meant was i wish i rolled with him for my first time but i think i left that out subconscisouly on purpose because really i cant imagine a better first time and i certainly couldnt have two first times so i made some choices. they were all right, alright. so the long and the short of it is eli and i have a) really good sex b) really good pillow talk c) really good body language d) really good dancing chemistry e) really good interactivity, like when we do activities like play games or go on adventures or cook together f) really good intentions g) really pretty eyes h) really good taste in music i) lots of things in common j) the list can go on and on but i should probably stop there before i fall in love with him AND myself. what i think we need to work on is: a) serious conversations (fuck that, i hate being serious). b) communicating in general about the future (fuck that too, i live in the NOW) c) studying together (we end up just jumping each other) d) ummm this list is shorter and a lot less valid, to me at least. i wonder what his input will be when i read this entire entry to him. (sidenote: i took a vivance which is why this entry is so long and involved, also because this entry is long overdue....btw i dont usually take pills but i needed to write a paper which i didnt do at all, instead i wrote this which is probably the same length as the paper shouldve been but this is way more prevalent and important to me than a 7 page paper on antirhetorical italian cinema.) so in conlusion (maybe, who knows how much longer i can ramble on for) i feel like giving a relationship a definitive beginning, with the title and the anniversary, is also inherently giving it a definitive end, unless youre planning on getting married (and who does that anymore, they'll end in divorce anyway unless you happen upon you're one and only). and for now, i dont want this phenomenon with eli to end. so i'm just gonna go with it until i dont want to go with it anymore, or until he doesnt want to go with it anymore. i have no plans of meeting anyone else (but who plans that?) and im not seriously attached to anyone in my past so that solves that problem before it could even start. usually my problems lie in brevity....i'm all about the chase and then when i get what i want i dont want it anymore but i still want eli in every way possible (except anally, at the moment...hah.) and i dont have that nasty creeping feeling of claustrophobia or impending doom. i also dont have another problem that usually happens to me where i either like the guy way more than he likes me, or he likes me way more than i like him (which happens more often than not)....i think he and i are on the same page in that respect. if another variable comes in to the equation like, a sexy asian girl (ill explain that theory later), we'll deal with it then. so yeah, just a happy sexy good time until he goes to berlin in january. that's actually really near to now though. i want him to know now that i want him to go. this is my delve into narcissism for the entry: a couple weeks ago, sam asked me in context of a conversation we were having about eli & mys' future, "what if he falls in love with you?" the thought hadnt crossed my mind before, i had assumed i would be the one more into him (just cause hes just got that aura of fucking cooooool, man), but after she said it, i was forced to think about all my past paramours and a lot of them ended with, as i said before, the guy liking me way way more than i like him. i actively try to be humble and maybe thats part of my "fatal kind of charm" (direct Mirah quote), but i have to admit there is a history of men falling in unrequited love with the Black-Regan women: sisters, mother, and Pug included. i'm not too worried about that though because i sure like Eli a heck of a whole lot, i cant imagine him liking me in any creepier way than the writing-a-million-word-long-blog-entry-at-5-in-the-morning-about-him-kind of way. hehe. BUT! he is going to berlin in january (or he should be, depending on a transient professor and an elusive signarture) and he's planning on being there for awhile, and by awhile i mean he has no definitive plans to re-enter the USA any time. And i'll be in Utah for the summer (or i should be depending on a transient car and an elusive economy) so i guess......we'll just see about that future.