as well & good as floating around on a cloud with eli is, 2009 is creeping up on us. i want to keep floating though. alas, alas....
he confronted me yesterday about it. good thing too cause i was doing my best at keeping it aht ah mi head.
he's going to berlin. and i...am staying this side of the atlantic. [& if i had any notion of how to drive my car across the atlantic ocean i'd be fucking set]
he did most of the talking, i was too stoned and startled to say much. no, i think i was just too afraid. same old song & dance with eli as was with Xam. it went too far without much talking thus getting to the point where i was too afraid of....i don't even know what i'm afraid of. loving completely? loving at all? getting hurt? sadness...
FUCK.
fuck.
i don't know how to feel or how to act or what to say. i just want to be with you.
i've just wrote & deleted like 20 sentences.
fuck.
i don't want this to end yet. why does it have to be now? i want to get as much as i can out of you before you leave. i'll be ok once you're in germany but i can't have you this close to me and not be able to have you. but if we continue with this, will it just be harder later? i want you to have as much fun as possible in germany; meet interesting people, make love to beautiful blonde women, be able to tap fully into you're creativity, go your own way....i want you to do everything that made you want to go to germany in the first place and i don't want to be a weight on your back. i cannot be any more sincere. i'm not saying this so you can feel less guilty. i don't want you to feel guilty at all. you're free!
but it just sucks because we have a beautiful thing. i suppose our timing was off. i haven't got enough of you yet. and my feelings for you are so pure and real that i'm scared of them. i haven't felt as comfortable or kindred with any one single other person than i have with you. & i know that scares you. & it scares me too. i'm usually so detached. i love from a distance. but the only distance between us is the necessary breath we must take as we kiss.
after saying all this, i still don't have any resolve.
all i's got is one big sigh. & there's still so much to be communicated.
-stella's blue. :-(
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Baby I know you understand. I freaked the fuck out last night when I thought I'd offended you. I almost wanted to cry myself to sleep and I didn't get any work done, instead just thinking about how I barely know how to be alone anymore and that shows me I really don't know how to be with anyone truly, fully, honestly and openly. I know what you mean by loving from a distance, but how close have we been for how long? I've felt close and far away at the same time and it's scared me so much since I don't know how that can make any sense. It doesn't make any sense but it came to be that way, that we gave to one another and kept to ourselves, kept the security in ourselves and only let some parts go in being with one another. I can't tell what's intentional anymore, or why I'd have to keep things from you, or how it could possibly make anything better being less whole as a person to some other person. It will be hard to leave you now I've gotten as involved with you as I have. I've known all along that I would be but it's not something I've let hold myself back from you. I simply cannot resists you and I've been selfishly sinking into you. I feel we became something we took for granted, and granting the circumstances that was unacceptable. I didn't want to figure things out on my own so I had to talk about it, to let you know I'm trying to figure it out to, and that we go through the same things. I realize this as an opportunity to learn from one another in our troubles and our wonders. We created something wonderful at times but incomplete. I can't throw it away and I can't mean to hurt you. I think you're so fucking cool about everything and the nonchalance we share is becoming a thing of torment under the prospect of my leaving. I think it's really general shock about life that hits me and I play it off as being cool. There's value to that coolness at times but I look at it and realize how much I don't know. I don't know a thing about love or its place in life, in my life or your life. If I've been so cool for so long I want to know what it's like to heat up, to be a fucking fireball blazing its way in and out of existence, inspiring others by its awful beauty.
It's been so hard for me to feel loved. And now I don't know if I can love you, because I will fall to pieces, and want you to pick them up and figure out the puzzle, and when you aren't there to be able to do that I'll have to spend a long time gluing all the seams knowing full well that all I want is to be ripped open again and let all that time spent in repair burst forth with a glory that will never be so brilliant once it does, as lights fade, and we appreciate the darkness and find things in it once our eyes become accustomed, and things we never knew take hold of us and give us comfort, and we call it love, but is love ever different if it's ever the same?
We don't have to end this, but we need to be more free.
Inessence,
Elijah
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