Sunday, December 14, 2008
stoned ponderings on my way to and from the usual bodega where i buy my camels.u
i have an idea formulating in my head about a documentary type movie/short that i want to create. so far, i dont think i want any real dialogue, maybe just a soundtrack that evokes the feelings i would want the audience to experience in juxtaposition with the imagery. i want it to portray the mindset of a cigarette smoker, why they smoke, the duality of the desire and repulsion/the love and hate a smoker feels every time they inhale or buy a pack....i dunno, just an idea so far. i don't even have a camera.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
for the hell of it
The Place of Rhetoric in Italian Film
Rhetoric is the act of catering to an audience by evoking emotion and utlizing logic to persuade them to see things in the light of the speaker, or in this case the director. Benito Mussolini was a huge fan of rhetoric, using propaganda to sway the Italian masses to see and do things his way. Because Mussolini and Fascist Italy were so involved in rhetoric, naturally anti-fascists, such as Neorealist filmmakers, were interested in antirhetoric. In Italian Film in the Light of Neorealism, Millicent Marcus argues that exact point, pertaining particularly to Roberto Rossellini’s Rome, Open City. The idea of Italian films being antirhetorical will be discussed through the analysis of Vittorio DiSica’s Ladri di biciclette. Giovanni Pastrone’s Cabiria will be analyzed to provide the counterargument (Italian films as rhetoric). Federico Fellini’s divergence from rhetoric, anti- or otherwise, will be discussed using La Strada as an example.
Marcus maintains that Rome, Open City is antirhetorical both in style and story. Rossellini’s masterpiece is technically speaking, rather minimalist. He rejected conventional cinema (Fascist approved propaganda) and instead conjured his own voice through the means available to him (the gritty newsreel quality of the filmstock, location shooting, outdated equipment), thus intrinsically creating the antirhetoric. His storyline is more a dramatic chronicling of events rather than an escapist narrative like the white telephone comedies of the same era. He depicts the facts and the hard truths that were being ignored in an up front, take-it-for-what-it-is way, unlike the obvious manipulative rhetoric in Mussolini’s propaganda films. He was not purposely trying to change people’s minds or even raise awareness in a plea for help; he merely saw a skewed aesthetic in the hope of the marginalized people and thought that ought to be chronicled in the only way he knew how—cinema.
However, Marcus’s use of the term “antirhetoric” is a misnomer. Rhetoric is effectively using (cinematic) language to convey a message in hopes of changing the audiences’ mind. Given the definition of rhetoric, antirhetoric suggests that there is no message being conveyed at all. This is not the case with Italian Neorealist films. A true antirhetorical film would be, perhaps, a Rita Hayworth film. Marcus’ antirhetorical films could more appropriately be labeled as anti-Mussolini’s rhetoric, anti-convention, or even rhetorical with a leftist persuasion. Instead of the “empty bombast” (Marcus, p. 34) elicited in Mussolini’s rhetoric, Italian Neorealist directors such as Vittorio De Sica and Michelangelo Antonioni created a new type of cinematic language; a fusion of their prose and their technical styles to make accessible art with interpretive complexities.
Ladri di biciclette is one of De Sica and Zavattini’s masterpieces. It expands Rossellini’s idea of Neorealism by maintaining social issues of Post-WWII Italy and at the same time focusing on a micro-level (a personal journey for one man and his son) rather than a chronicling of historical events. By 1948, when Ladri di biciclette was released, the Neorealist motif had shifted from the Resistance to the insipid daily lives of the proletariat during post-war restoration. Ladri di biciclette is a simple story of a desperately determined man combing the streets of Rome in a futile attempt to find his stolen bicycle so he can provide for his family. De Sica stretches this simplistic plot into ninety-three minutes of beautifully touching “neorealist superspectacle.” (p. 56) Like Rossellini, De Sica tediously shot and edited his film to create an illusion of effortlessness but unlike Rossellini, De Sica had a generous budget to aid his vision of self-concealing artistry. De Sica’s rhetoric about cinematic conventions comes into play here; despite his million lire budget and huge cast, his distaste for commercial films can be plainly seen in the irony of the main character’s, Antonio Ricci’s, bicycle being stolen in front of a movie theatre as he pastes a poster of Rita Hayworth as Gilda on the wall and a sly reference from a driver noting how he does not even want to go see a movie even though it is raining. De Sica’s ultimate purpose for Ladri di biciclette, disregarding his personal contempt for commercial films, was to take a commonplace situation (something that could have easily happened to any one member of his audience) and portray it in a heart wrenchingly dramatic yet simplistic fashion so as to plainly reveal the everyday injustices committed against the sub-marginalized populace. The quintessential example of how De Sica rends neorealist simplicity to capture his audiences’ emotions is the mere one line uttered by the police officer after a journalist asks for any news to report on—“No, nothing, just a bicycle”. The audience knows that this is not just a bicycle; it is a man’s life, and the lives of his family. And the audience can relate to Ricci because the audience is Ricci, but the audience is also the police officer, the thief, and all the other nameless faces roaming around Rome with distant dreams of a better life. That sentiment is what one feels after Ladri di biciclette is over, that sentiment is exactly what De Sica wanted from his audience, and that sentiment is why this film is “antirhetorical”, or rather rhetorical through the lens of a leftist.
Before Neorealism, there was the cinematic movement that prompted the birth of it. The first Golden Age of Italian Cinema (1908-1914) predated even Mussolini’s reign of Fascism. In the first Golden Age, however, lie the roots of Mussolini’s propagandistic films. The first Golden Age of Italian Cinema included films like The Last Days of Pompeii, The Fall of Troy, Assunta Spina, and most notably, Cabiria; they were films experimenting with the idea of film as an artistic medium. They were mostly loose adaptations of plays or epic battles and contained much spectacle but they all had the underlying theme of Italian Unification. Giovanni Pastrone’s Cabiria is the perfect example of a spectacular epic that had little to do with plot, lots to do with visual stimulation, and left the audience with a feeling of happy Italian identity. Cinema was still new and had not yet developed into the 7th art form that it is accepted as today; people still mainly wanted to see things they had never seen before—the exotic. However, directors quickly understood the potential properties of film that make people feel differently or think differently. Cabiria enmeshes the idea of the unseen exotic and the idea of using film to invoke emotion from the audience together to create a spectacular metaphor. Pastrone’s Cabiria uses awesome shots of volcanic eruption, laughably exaggerated acting, enormous and intricate set designs, decadently poetic intertitles, voluptuous, silk-laden, hyper-feminine women, and oily, loincloth-laden, hyper-masculine men to create an exotic spectacular. Cabiria is the title character and Sofonisba is her foil. Cabiria represents Rome and Sofonsiba represents Carthage. Cabiria’s drama parallels the Third Punic War; Sofonsiba’s highly stylized, dramatic, and drawn out death scene symbolizes the death of Carthage—or more importantly, the victory of Rome. The character of Maciste, the devoted servant and exotic “other”, symbolizes the unerring loyalty of Numidia to Rome during the Third Punic War. Cabiria is a political allegory that was released with the intent to create a sense of pride for Italians. Thus, Cabiria can be seen as the beginning of rhetorical film.
Federico Fellini represents both the decline of Neorealism and the rise of Auteur Cinema. His La Strada has many aspects that could cause one to label it as a Neorealist film, but Fellini was more interested in an entirely new form of cinema, one that indeed portrayed impoverished characters in a bleak environment but strayed from “traditional” Neorealism in that its main concern was Fellini’s personal artistic expression. Film theorist Andre Bazin calls La Strada “neorealism of the person”, meaning it examines human problems apart from historical or societal contexts. (p. 146) Thus, La Strada has no political rhetoric or antirhetoric. Fellini was tired of the genre and wanted to create his own genre—films that when watched, one would recognize it not as a western or musical or Neorealistic, but as a Fellini film. His characters, like Gelsomina, Zampano, and The Fool, do not represent a socioeconomic class but are individuals with depth that the audience can grow to care for in a different way than they cared for Pina or Don Pietro from Rome, Open City. When Don Pietro dies, it is a symbolic death that inspires hope in the audience. When Gelsomina dies, the audience watches as Zampano has a personal epiphany. It is the same difference as reading Shakespeare’s historical drama Henry V1 or reading Shakespeare’s fictional comedy Much Ado About Nothing. This analogy represents the core of Auteur Theory, where the filmmaker becomes the author and the camera becomes the pen.
Rhetoric is a concept that is hard to avoid. It can be used to persuade the audience to do whatever the speaker (or director) suggests. From the very birth of the cinematic medium, films like Pastrone’s Cabiria were being made to conjure emotion from the audience in hopes of changing the audiences’ perspective. Mussolini used propagandistic rhetorical films to unite Italy over Fascism. Neorealist directors, like Rossellini and De Sica, made films that overtly opposed the Fascist Party by depicting a desolate Post-War Italy and the tribulations of the people that have to live there. Although Neorealist directors opposed the Fascists’ use of rhetoric, they used it themselves through a leftists’ point of view. Fellini heralded the decline of Neorealism and the purposeful eschewing of rhetoric in favor of the artistic expression that Auteur Cinema had to offer.
Rhetoric is the act of catering to an audience by evoking emotion and utlizing logic to persuade them to see things in the light of the speaker, or in this case the director. Benito Mussolini was a huge fan of rhetoric, using propaganda to sway the Italian masses to see and do things his way. Because Mussolini and Fascist Italy were so involved in rhetoric, naturally anti-fascists, such as Neorealist filmmakers, were interested in antirhetoric. In Italian Film in the Light of Neorealism, Millicent Marcus argues that exact point, pertaining particularly to Roberto Rossellini’s Rome, Open City. The idea of Italian films being antirhetorical will be discussed through the analysis of Vittorio DiSica’s Ladri di biciclette. Giovanni Pastrone’s Cabiria will be analyzed to provide the counterargument (Italian films as rhetoric). Federico Fellini’s divergence from rhetoric, anti- or otherwise, will be discussed using La Strada as an example.
Marcus maintains that Rome, Open City is antirhetorical both in style and story. Rossellini’s masterpiece is technically speaking, rather minimalist. He rejected conventional cinema (Fascist approved propaganda) and instead conjured his own voice through the means available to him (the gritty newsreel quality of the filmstock, location shooting, outdated equipment), thus intrinsically creating the antirhetoric. His storyline is more a dramatic chronicling of events rather than an escapist narrative like the white telephone comedies of the same era. He depicts the facts and the hard truths that were being ignored in an up front, take-it-for-what-it-is way, unlike the obvious manipulative rhetoric in Mussolini’s propaganda films. He was not purposely trying to change people’s minds or even raise awareness in a plea for help; he merely saw a skewed aesthetic in the hope of the marginalized people and thought that ought to be chronicled in the only way he knew how—cinema.
However, Marcus’s use of the term “antirhetoric” is a misnomer. Rhetoric is effectively using (cinematic) language to convey a message in hopes of changing the audiences’ mind. Given the definition of rhetoric, antirhetoric suggests that there is no message being conveyed at all. This is not the case with Italian Neorealist films. A true antirhetorical film would be, perhaps, a Rita Hayworth film. Marcus’ antirhetorical films could more appropriately be labeled as anti-Mussolini’s rhetoric, anti-convention, or even rhetorical with a leftist persuasion. Instead of the “empty bombast” (Marcus, p. 34) elicited in Mussolini’s rhetoric, Italian Neorealist directors such as Vittorio De Sica and Michelangelo Antonioni created a new type of cinematic language; a fusion of their prose and their technical styles to make accessible art with interpretive complexities.
Ladri di biciclette is one of De Sica and Zavattini’s masterpieces. It expands Rossellini’s idea of Neorealism by maintaining social issues of Post-WWII Italy and at the same time focusing on a micro-level (a personal journey for one man and his son) rather than a chronicling of historical events. By 1948, when Ladri di biciclette was released, the Neorealist motif had shifted from the Resistance to the insipid daily lives of the proletariat during post-war restoration. Ladri di biciclette is a simple story of a desperately determined man combing the streets of Rome in a futile attempt to find his stolen bicycle so he can provide for his family. De Sica stretches this simplistic plot into ninety-three minutes of beautifully touching “neorealist superspectacle.” (p. 56) Like Rossellini, De Sica tediously shot and edited his film to create an illusion of effortlessness but unlike Rossellini, De Sica had a generous budget to aid his vision of self-concealing artistry. De Sica’s rhetoric about cinematic conventions comes into play here; despite his million lire budget and huge cast, his distaste for commercial films can be plainly seen in the irony of the main character’s, Antonio Ricci’s, bicycle being stolen in front of a movie theatre as he pastes a poster of Rita Hayworth as Gilda on the wall and a sly reference from a driver noting how he does not even want to go see a movie even though it is raining. De Sica’s ultimate purpose for Ladri di biciclette, disregarding his personal contempt for commercial films, was to take a commonplace situation (something that could have easily happened to any one member of his audience) and portray it in a heart wrenchingly dramatic yet simplistic fashion so as to plainly reveal the everyday injustices committed against the sub-marginalized populace. The quintessential example of how De Sica rends neorealist simplicity to capture his audiences’ emotions is the mere one line uttered by the police officer after a journalist asks for any news to report on—“No, nothing, just a bicycle”. The audience knows that this is not just a bicycle; it is a man’s life, and the lives of his family. And the audience can relate to Ricci because the audience is Ricci, but the audience is also the police officer, the thief, and all the other nameless faces roaming around Rome with distant dreams of a better life. That sentiment is what one feels after Ladri di biciclette is over, that sentiment is exactly what De Sica wanted from his audience, and that sentiment is why this film is “antirhetorical”, or rather rhetorical through the lens of a leftist.
Before Neorealism, there was the cinematic movement that prompted the birth of it. The first Golden Age of Italian Cinema (1908-1914) predated even Mussolini’s reign of Fascism. In the first Golden Age, however, lie the roots of Mussolini’s propagandistic films. The first Golden Age of Italian Cinema included films like The Last Days of Pompeii, The Fall of Troy, Assunta Spina, and most notably, Cabiria; they were films experimenting with the idea of film as an artistic medium. They were mostly loose adaptations of plays or epic battles and contained much spectacle but they all had the underlying theme of Italian Unification. Giovanni Pastrone’s Cabiria is the perfect example of a spectacular epic that had little to do with plot, lots to do with visual stimulation, and left the audience with a feeling of happy Italian identity. Cinema was still new and had not yet developed into the 7th art form that it is accepted as today; people still mainly wanted to see things they had never seen before—the exotic. However, directors quickly understood the potential properties of film that make people feel differently or think differently. Cabiria enmeshes the idea of the unseen exotic and the idea of using film to invoke emotion from the audience together to create a spectacular metaphor. Pastrone’s Cabiria uses awesome shots of volcanic eruption, laughably exaggerated acting, enormous and intricate set designs, decadently poetic intertitles, voluptuous, silk-laden, hyper-feminine women, and oily, loincloth-laden, hyper-masculine men to create an exotic spectacular. Cabiria is the title character and Sofonisba is her foil. Cabiria represents Rome and Sofonsiba represents Carthage. Cabiria’s drama parallels the Third Punic War; Sofonsiba’s highly stylized, dramatic, and drawn out death scene symbolizes the death of Carthage—or more importantly, the victory of Rome. The character of Maciste, the devoted servant and exotic “other”, symbolizes the unerring loyalty of Numidia to Rome during the Third Punic War. Cabiria is a political allegory that was released with the intent to create a sense of pride for Italians. Thus, Cabiria can be seen as the beginning of rhetorical film.
Federico Fellini represents both the decline of Neorealism and the rise of Auteur Cinema. His La Strada has many aspects that could cause one to label it as a Neorealist film, but Fellini was more interested in an entirely new form of cinema, one that indeed portrayed impoverished characters in a bleak environment but strayed from “traditional” Neorealism in that its main concern was Fellini’s personal artistic expression. Film theorist Andre Bazin calls La Strada “neorealism of the person”, meaning it examines human problems apart from historical or societal contexts. (p. 146) Thus, La Strada has no political rhetoric or antirhetoric. Fellini was tired of the genre and wanted to create his own genre—films that when watched, one would recognize it not as a western or musical or Neorealistic, but as a Fellini film. His characters, like Gelsomina, Zampano, and The Fool, do not represent a socioeconomic class but are individuals with depth that the audience can grow to care for in a different way than they cared for Pina or Don Pietro from Rome, Open City. When Don Pietro dies, it is a symbolic death that inspires hope in the audience. When Gelsomina dies, the audience watches as Zampano has a personal epiphany. It is the same difference as reading Shakespeare’s historical drama Henry V1 or reading Shakespeare’s fictional comedy Much Ado About Nothing. This analogy represents the core of Auteur Theory, where the filmmaker becomes the author and the camera becomes the pen.
Rhetoric is a concept that is hard to avoid. It can be used to persuade the audience to do whatever the speaker (or director) suggests. From the very birth of the cinematic medium, films like Pastrone’s Cabiria were being made to conjure emotion from the audience in hopes of changing the audiences’ perspective. Mussolini used propagandistic rhetorical films to unite Italy over Fascism. Neorealist directors, like Rossellini and De Sica, made films that overtly opposed the Fascist Party by depicting a desolate Post-War Italy and the tribulations of the people that have to live there. Although Neorealist directors opposed the Fascists’ use of rhetoric, they used it themselves through a leftists’ point of view. Fellini heralded the decline of Neorealism and the purposeful eschewing of rhetoric in favor of the artistic expression that Auteur Cinema had to offer.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
just in case my e-mail didn't work
A Brief Comparison
Douglas Sirk’s 1955 melodrama All That Heaven Allows and Rainer Werner Fassbinder’s 1974 take of the melodrama Ali: Fear Eats the Soul are two drastically stylistically opposite yet kindred films. They both ultimately deal with two people who love each other but cannot utilize that love to overcome societal conventions. Rather, the women involved cannot fully surrender to love; the men seem to have pretty solid ideals. Both directors manipulate the cinematic medium to convey very strong stances. Sirk disguises his rhetoric with accessible emotion; Fassbinder slaps you in the face with his rhetoric using Brechtian techniques. Essentially, they are the same film, dealing with (mostly) the same issues but one is Hollywood at its finest and the other is anti-Hollywood.
Yet, Sirk’s film is not entirely Hollywood. It is superficially Hollywood and surely made a pretty penny because of that, but one may argue that it could be parodying the mother that birthed it. In any event, Sirk most certainly knew who his audience would be—scopophiliatic Americans; people who are, ironically, blinded by the pleasure of looking. However, he does attempt to educate the masses. One can almost laugh at his use of clichés (i.e. deer =nature, mink coat=success) to hammer in his rhetoric to a blissfully oblivious populace. And what is his rhetoric? All That Heaven Allows is a fiction depicting/critiquing (depending on who is watching) the realities of 1950’s American petit-bourgeois society—the downward spiral of womanhood after they are married off to Suitor #1 (or #2, or #3…), the boredom that births the pitting of woman against woman (i.e. the gossip chain), the utter rut one experiences when they allow themselves to be played by the game of life instead of being an active player. Sirk depicts this maddeningly to a tee. But he offers an alternative in Ron, played by Rock Hudson. The idea of Ron is the counterargument to the “ideological safety valve” that some view All That Heaven Allows as. To the ignorant this film can be seen as a portrayal of society without challenging it but it is not. Sirk was trying to make clear that Ron’s way of life is right and Carrie’s way of life is awful. Ron’s Tao is explicitly revealed in the Shakespeare reference (“To thine own self be true”) and the Thoreau excerpt Carrie reads. Carrie’s Tao is revealed when her children buy her a television for Christmas. Thank divinity that Carrie chose Ron at the end. From a feminists’ viewpoint, it is a pity that Ron’s character had to be the man and Carrie’s character had to be the woman but Sirk was trying to make a profit and that character-sex-swap might have been a little too before its time.
Fassbinder’s Ali: Fear Eats the Soul was made in the 70’s (twenty years after) and in a different country than Sirk’s All That Heaven Allows, thusly it was made unabashedly and without the façade Sirk constructs to appeal to an audience. Fassbinder assumes his audience is willing to participate in thinking rather than using the cinema as means for an escape or as means to identify. In his assumption, he adopts Bertold Brecht’s theory of distanciation to separate the raw emotion from the raw facts of life. Firstly, his purposeful use of ugly actors achieves the audience in noticing the absence of beautiful people, which is a step in the right direction for the audience noticing something. Secondly, he uses extreme tableaux to prevent the audience from getting too wrapped up in plot and also to provide a moment of reflection upon what may have just occurred (and what it might mean) and appreciation for his stark aesthetic. In terms of plot, Fassbinder’s film is different than Sirk’s in that his is less concerned with the elite versus the enlightened and more concerned with race and economic issues. Emmi is but a cleaning lady, but Ali is a Moroccan migrant worker, the lowest of the low. Also, in All That Heaven Allows, the character of Ron is very sure of himself and his ideals but all that Ali is sure of is that he wants cous cous. Both Ron and Ali share the dislike in being objectified (both seem rather disinterested in their respective partner’s want to “show them off”) but at least men are being objectified for once.
Douglas Sirk’s 1955 melodrama All That Heaven Allows and Rainer Werner Fassbinder’s 1974 take of the melodrama Ali: Fear Eats the Soul are two drastically stylistically opposite yet kindred films. They both ultimately deal with two people who love each other but cannot utilize that love to overcome societal conventions. Rather, the women involved cannot fully surrender to love; the men seem to have pretty solid ideals. Both directors manipulate the cinematic medium to convey very strong stances. Sirk disguises his rhetoric with accessible emotion; Fassbinder slaps you in the face with his rhetoric using Brechtian techniques. Essentially, they are the same film, dealing with (mostly) the same issues but one is Hollywood at its finest and the other is anti-Hollywood.
Yet, Sirk’s film is not entirely Hollywood. It is superficially Hollywood and surely made a pretty penny because of that, but one may argue that it could be parodying the mother that birthed it. In any event, Sirk most certainly knew who his audience would be—scopophiliatic Americans; people who are, ironically, blinded by the pleasure of looking. However, he does attempt to educate the masses. One can almost laugh at his use of clichés (i.e. deer =nature, mink coat=success) to hammer in his rhetoric to a blissfully oblivious populace. And what is his rhetoric? All That Heaven Allows is a fiction depicting/critiquing (depending on who is watching) the realities of 1950’s American petit-bourgeois society—the downward spiral of womanhood after they are married off to Suitor #1 (or #2, or #3…), the boredom that births the pitting of woman against woman (i.e. the gossip chain), the utter rut one experiences when they allow themselves to be played by the game of life instead of being an active player. Sirk depicts this maddeningly to a tee. But he offers an alternative in Ron, played by Rock Hudson. The idea of Ron is the counterargument to the “ideological safety valve” that some view All That Heaven Allows as. To the ignorant this film can be seen as a portrayal of society without challenging it but it is not. Sirk was trying to make clear that Ron’s way of life is right and Carrie’s way of life is awful. Ron’s Tao is explicitly revealed in the Shakespeare reference (“To thine own self be true”) and the Thoreau excerpt Carrie reads. Carrie’s Tao is revealed when her children buy her a television for Christmas. Thank divinity that Carrie chose Ron at the end. From a feminists’ viewpoint, it is a pity that Ron’s character had to be the man and Carrie’s character had to be the woman but Sirk was trying to make a profit and that character-sex-swap might have been a little too before its time.
Fassbinder’s Ali: Fear Eats the Soul was made in the 70’s (twenty years after) and in a different country than Sirk’s All That Heaven Allows, thusly it was made unabashedly and without the façade Sirk constructs to appeal to an audience. Fassbinder assumes his audience is willing to participate in thinking rather than using the cinema as means for an escape or as means to identify. In his assumption, he adopts Bertold Brecht’s theory of distanciation to separate the raw emotion from the raw facts of life. Firstly, his purposeful use of ugly actors achieves the audience in noticing the absence of beautiful people, which is a step in the right direction for the audience noticing something. Secondly, he uses extreme tableaux to prevent the audience from getting too wrapped up in plot and also to provide a moment of reflection upon what may have just occurred (and what it might mean) and appreciation for his stark aesthetic. In terms of plot, Fassbinder’s film is different than Sirk’s in that his is less concerned with the elite versus the enlightened and more concerned with race and economic issues. Emmi is but a cleaning lady, but Ali is a Moroccan migrant worker, the lowest of the low. Also, in All That Heaven Allows, the character of Ron is very sure of himself and his ideals but all that Ali is sure of is that he wants cous cous. Both Ron and Ali share the dislike in being objectified (both seem rather disinterested in their respective partner’s want to “show them off”) but at least men are being objectified for once.
we share the same stardust, baby.
as well & good as floating around on a cloud with eli is, 2009 is creeping up on us. i want to keep floating though. alas, alas....
he confronted me yesterday about it. good thing too cause i was doing my best at keeping it aht ah mi head.
he's going to berlin. and i...am staying this side of the atlantic. [& if i had any notion of how to drive my car across the atlantic ocean i'd be fucking set]
he did most of the talking, i was too stoned and startled to say much. no, i think i was just too afraid. same old song & dance with eli as was with Xam. it went too far without much talking thus getting to the point where i was too afraid of....i don't even know what i'm afraid of. loving completely? loving at all? getting hurt? sadness...
FUCK.
fuck.
i don't know how to feel or how to act or what to say. i just want to be with you.
i've just wrote & deleted like 20 sentences.
fuck.
i don't want this to end yet. why does it have to be now? i want to get as much as i can out of you before you leave. i'll be ok once you're in germany but i can't have you this close to me and not be able to have you. but if we continue with this, will it just be harder later? i want you to have as much fun as possible in germany; meet interesting people, make love to beautiful blonde women, be able to tap fully into you're creativity, go your own way....i want you to do everything that made you want to go to germany in the first place and i don't want to be a weight on your back. i cannot be any more sincere. i'm not saying this so you can feel less guilty. i don't want you to feel guilty at all. you're free!
but it just sucks because we have a beautiful thing. i suppose our timing was off. i haven't got enough of you yet. and my feelings for you are so pure and real that i'm scared of them. i haven't felt as comfortable or kindred with any one single other person than i have with you. & i know that scares you. & it scares me too. i'm usually so detached. i love from a distance. but the only distance between us is the necessary breath we must take as we kiss.
after saying all this, i still don't have any resolve.
all i's got is one big sigh. & there's still so much to be communicated.
-stella's blue. :-(
he confronted me yesterday about it. good thing too cause i was doing my best at keeping it aht ah mi head.
he's going to berlin. and i...am staying this side of the atlantic. [& if i had any notion of how to drive my car across the atlantic ocean i'd be fucking set]
he did most of the talking, i was too stoned and startled to say much. no, i think i was just too afraid. same old song & dance with eli as was with Xam. it went too far without much talking thus getting to the point where i was too afraid of....i don't even know what i'm afraid of. loving completely? loving at all? getting hurt? sadness...
FUCK.
fuck.
i don't know how to feel or how to act or what to say. i just want to be with you.
i've just wrote & deleted like 20 sentences.
fuck.
i don't want this to end yet. why does it have to be now? i want to get as much as i can out of you before you leave. i'll be ok once you're in germany but i can't have you this close to me and not be able to have you. but if we continue with this, will it just be harder later? i want you to have as much fun as possible in germany; meet interesting people, make love to beautiful blonde women, be able to tap fully into you're creativity, go your own way....i want you to do everything that made you want to go to germany in the first place and i don't want to be a weight on your back. i cannot be any more sincere. i'm not saying this so you can feel less guilty. i don't want you to feel guilty at all. you're free!
but it just sucks because we have a beautiful thing. i suppose our timing was off. i haven't got enough of you yet. and my feelings for you are so pure and real that i'm scared of them. i haven't felt as comfortable or kindred with any one single other person than i have with you. & i know that scares you. & it scares me too. i'm usually so detached. i love from a distance. but the only distance between us is the necessary breath we must take as we kiss.
after saying all this, i still don't have any resolve.
all i's got is one big sigh. & there's still so much to be communicated.
-stella's blue. :-(
Saturday, November 15, 2008
but god put a song on my palm that you can't readdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
lalalallala im at The Core right now doin' a radio show with ms. lennox and ive gone all silly
nothing to say, just nothing else to do until the next dj shows up, she's late!!
i havent brushed my teeth today. don't you hate that grimy feeling? grimy. grimy grime.
slept till 3 today. lazed around. chilled on the radio. blahhhhhhhhh
oh silliness.
it was a pastoral scene. no mountain goats, just cows.
what the hell is this song?
feel free to listen to this nutso bluegrass jawn at http://thecore.fm
ok other djs here, gotta gooooo
peace children,
stella blew.
lalalallala im at The Core right now doin' a radio show with ms. lennox and ive gone all silly
nothing to say, just nothing else to do until the next dj shows up, she's late!!
i havent brushed my teeth today. don't you hate that grimy feeling? grimy. grimy grime.
slept till 3 today. lazed around. chilled on the radio. blahhhhhhhhh
oh silliness.
it was a pastoral scene. no mountain goats, just cows.
what the hell is this song?
feel free to listen to this nutso bluegrass jawn at http://thecore.fm
ok other djs here, gotta gooooo
peace children,
stella blew.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
PURE ECSTASY
i just read through all of these entries and a lot of things have changed. firstly, Xam is totally out of my life which should be really weird, but is actually not. When i got back from Utah, i had one really hectic week of running errands and getting ready for school and chillin' with Catie before she went off to Boston, and then i went back to Rutgers. I saw Xam once between those times, while trippin on some lucy in the middle of the Pine Barrens for the Jersey Devil Fest. It was the first time we saw each other/spoke since before Utah and he had brought a date. I sincerely didn't mind. I guess our "relationship" was out of convenience and a mutual need to fuck and all of my inner-insanity about it was fabricated out of boredom and the rut one gets stuck in while they're home for summer. since being back at rutgers this year, he lives inconveniantly far and i'm way too busy with other things and we just...stopped. but not even just him, i hardly see russell or napalm or ben either. they're just not in the cards for this semester. i am so fine with that. i have way too many more important things to write about!
more important thing numero uno: i had my first Dead experience. oh my god. that insanity that i thought was creeping up on me for the past six months? gone. everything explained in one simple (but so not simple) grateful dead show. i went to see Phil Lesh with Knief at the Nokia Theatre on November 6, 2008 and my life changed. even more extremely than when i got back from Utah. FIRST, i was rolling hardcore on molly. best drug ever. even better than acid? i dunno, i'd have to take acid at a Dead show to really make that comparison. I totally understand the idea of the Deadhead now. I had an inkling of what was really going on (until now), and Knief knew that and he's been guiding me to my revelation for awhile now. Knief and I have had our differences but we've always come together over the Grateful Dead. We both get it. He GOT it, i only got it but now i GET it. DISCLAIMER: this might not make sense to you if you're not a deadhead and you might think im truly insane but i guarantee i am more sane than you'll ever ever ever be. Ok, so Phil played that show soley/soul-ly for me. he felt my new, fresh, and sincere energy and he personalized that show for me. but it's not like that. he really played it for everyone but that's whats so great about the dead...ahhh i dont know i really cant explain. i think that's why it's such a secret society. if too many people knew or if it could be explained in one short blog entry, the jig would be up. all i am allowed to say is there is magic in this world, there are alternate dimensions. drugs enhance and speed up the process, but i think the meaning of life is to try to reach this revelation without drugs. and really, that makes total sense. age old. buddha. nirvana. meditation. dr. seuss. siddhartha. basis of religion, really.
so Phil Lesh changed my life and wha t i honestly want to do but don;t know if i have the guts to do it is drop out of school and devote my life to following Phil Lesh & his Friends. Like, i know im not crazy because Knief knows whats up...all those old heads know whats up, they're still representing at the shows for a fucking reason, man. magiccccccccccccccccc. "you were the landmark of the show" {hugs random old head after show that was walking by for 30 seconds}---"keep smiling...you have the perfect smile" "that girl you're with has good karma, keep her that way" the space dancing....the SPACE DANCING, the molly, Golden road to unlimited devotion, turn on your love light (let it shine on me), hugs, EVERYBODY SMILING, everybody dancing, everybody feeling the fucking MUSIC the fucking ENERGY, OBAMAAAAAA, dancing in the streets, kindness of strangers (really family though...my tribe<3), i'd rather be with you, mindfucking, eli, eli, eli, smiling, the BASS, LESH PHIL PLAY, everything making sense......all the literature ive read on the dead, the hours of time i spent listening to their shows was for a reason it makes sense.....everything was perfect nothing bad happened, we were so LUCKY all the time, the knowing grins of the old heads, everybody feeling and knowing it was my first show, the pure ecstacy drug induced and otherwise......i think ive said too much but not enough at all. i think ive said more than im allowed. people that hhave it in them already but just havent learned WILL learn. they need a knief. i'll be their knief. ill guide them but i wont let them in on it. they need to discover the capability of humans for themselves. all they need to know is they'll be happy and never want to stop dancing or giving hugs. and who doesnt want that? if someone doesnt want that, then they dont deserve to know the truth thats out there. knief said that when (not if) i go to gathering of the vibes this summer, he'll let me in on his familys handshake. like, i never understood knief's obsession with me and thats what really turned me off of him but now i know that he saw in me something i knew was there but didnt know what to do about it. "help is on the way" was the first song phil played. oh how he knows. when i was rolling hardcore and reveling in my revelations (everyone has their own path they need to find and follow) there was a lot of mindfuck about how i should feel about knief now that we share such a surreal but REAL connection and....but i know his purpose was fulfilled. he was not meant to be my lover but my companion, my friend, my family. we cant ignore what we both now about the world so we'll always have that ("we'll always have the dead") but i let him know that i'm not interested in.....basically having sex with him. yeah......as fantastic as a person he is, we never had good sexual chemistry, just good cuddling chemistry! anywho, i have someone so better for That, and for so much More.
which brings me to more important thing numero dos: elijah snyder-vidmar. the fate of the hyphenated elite bringing two kind souls together! what a dreamboat! exudes sexuality, but has little moments of awkwardness that serve to make me feel better about myself. :-). sometimes i just wonder how someone so remarkable could be interested in ME? but then i lay off the self-doubt and realize i can be cool sometimes too, maybe lol. my housemates keep asking me if we're dating, and all i can do is smile. i don't date. i don't do boyfriends. i tried to see maybe if i could with Bret but that didnt work out so well. i mean brets obviously still one of my best friends but thats for sure all we'll ever be. i just cant do it. i dont know if its solely that constricting title of "boyfriend & girlfriend" that bugs me....nah i would definitley have pride in being eli's girlfriend. but i really just dont like being in a relationship like that. its so much pressure. when i was with bret, i wasnt living my life anymore, i was living OUR life...like, having to call him to make sure its ok if i go out without him and then he'd want to come and then id feel obligated to hang out around him instead of just dancing and having a good time. thats one major thing i like about eli----we can fucking DANCE. thats real imporant to me. i just have such a good time when i'm with him. i see a lot of myself in him and i think he sees a lot of himself in me. we both have a lot of inner turmoil but at least for me, it disappears when i'm around him. at the Phil show, i spent so long deciding in my head whether to text him or not and in the end, i did and it was the right decision. the crowd didnt seem to think so at first cause i think knief was let down and everybody came down a little but then through smiling and dancing and good energy and good karma that ive been actively building my entire life, by Sugar Magnolia everything was OK again, i emitted my good vibrations about eli to the crowd and they accepted me as the Sugar Magnolia that I (and everybody else at the show) am inside. I texted him "I wish I rolled with You". what i meant was i wish i rolled with him for my first time but i think i left that out subconscisouly on purpose because really i cant imagine a better first time and i certainly couldnt have two first times so i made some choices. they were all right, alright. so the long and the short of it is eli and i have a) really good sex b) really good pillow talk c) really good body language d) really good dancing chemistry e) really good interactivity, like when we do activities like play games or go on adventures or cook together f) really good intentions g) really pretty eyes h) really good taste in music i) lots of things in common j) the list can go on and on but i should probably stop there before i fall in love with him AND myself. what i think we need to work on is: a) serious conversations (fuck that, i hate being serious). b) communicating in general about the future (fuck that too, i live in the NOW) c) studying together (we end up just jumping each other) d) ummm this list is shorter and a lot less valid, to me at least. i wonder what his input will be when i read this entire entry to him. (sidenote: i took a vivance which is why this entry is so long and involved, also because this entry is long overdue....btw i dont usually take pills but i needed to write a paper which i didnt do at all, instead i wrote this which is probably the same length as the paper shouldve been but this is way more prevalent and important to me than a 7 page paper on antirhetorical italian cinema.) so in conlusion (maybe, who knows how much longer i can ramble on for) i feel like giving a relationship a definitive beginning, with the title and the anniversary, is also inherently giving it a definitive end, unless youre planning on getting married (and who does that anymore, they'll end in divorce anyway unless you happen upon you're one and only). and for now, i dont want this phenomenon with eli to end. so i'm just gonna go with it until i dont want to go with it anymore, or until he doesnt want to go with it anymore. i have no plans of meeting anyone else (but who plans that?) and im not seriously attached to anyone in my past so that solves that problem before it could even start. usually my problems lie in brevity....i'm all about the chase and then when i get what i want i dont want it anymore but i still want eli in every way possible (except anally, at the moment...hah.) and i dont have that nasty creeping feeling of claustrophobia or impending doom. i also dont have another problem that usually happens to me where i either like the guy way more than he likes me, or he likes me way more than i like him (which happens more often than not)....i think he and i are on the same page in that respect. if another variable comes in to the equation like, a sexy asian girl (ill explain that theory later), we'll deal with it then. so yeah, just a happy sexy good time until he goes to berlin in january. that's actually really near to now though. i want him to know now that i want him to go. this is my delve into narcissism for the entry: a couple weeks ago, sam asked me in context of a conversation we were having about eli & mys' future, "what if he falls in love with you?" the thought hadnt crossed my mind before, i had assumed i would be the one more into him (just cause hes just got that aura of fucking cooooool, man), but after she said it, i was forced to think about all my past paramours and a lot of them ended with, as i said before, the guy liking me way way more than i like him. i actively try to be humble and maybe thats part of my "fatal kind of charm" (direct Mirah quote), but i have to admit there is a history of men falling in unrequited love with the Black-Regan women: sisters, mother, and Pug included. i'm not too worried about that though because i sure like Eli a heck of a whole lot, i cant imagine him liking me in any creepier way than the writing-a-million-word-long-blog-entry-at-5-in-the-morning-about-him-kind of way. hehe. BUT! he is going to berlin in january (or he should be, depending on a transient professor and an elusive signarture) and he's planning on being there for awhile, and by awhile i mean he has no definitive plans to re-enter the USA any time. And i'll be in Utah for the summer (or i should be depending on a transient car and an elusive economy) so i guess......we'll just see about that future.
more important thing numero uno: i had my first Dead experience. oh my god. that insanity that i thought was creeping up on me for the past six months? gone. everything explained in one simple (but so not simple) grateful dead show. i went to see Phil Lesh with Knief at the Nokia Theatre on November 6, 2008 and my life changed. even more extremely than when i got back from Utah. FIRST, i was rolling hardcore on molly. best drug ever. even better than acid? i dunno, i'd have to take acid at a Dead show to really make that comparison. I totally understand the idea of the Deadhead now. I had an inkling of what was really going on (until now), and Knief knew that and he's been guiding me to my revelation for awhile now. Knief and I have had our differences but we've always come together over the Grateful Dead. We both get it. He GOT it, i only got it but now i GET it. DISCLAIMER: this might not make sense to you if you're not a deadhead and you might think im truly insane but i guarantee i am more sane than you'll ever ever ever be. Ok, so Phil played that show soley/soul-ly for me. he felt my new, fresh, and sincere energy and he personalized that show for me. but it's not like that. he really played it for everyone but that's whats so great about the dead...ahhh i dont know i really cant explain. i think that's why it's such a secret society. if too many people knew or if it could be explained in one short blog entry, the jig would be up. all i am allowed to say is there is magic in this world, there are alternate dimensions. drugs enhance and speed up the process, but i think the meaning of life is to try to reach this revelation without drugs. and really, that makes total sense. age old. buddha. nirvana. meditation. dr. seuss. siddhartha. basis of religion, really.
so Phil Lesh changed my life and wha t i honestly want to do but don;t know if i have the guts to do it is drop out of school and devote my life to following Phil Lesh & his Friends. Like, i know im not crazy because Knief knows whats up...all those old heads know whats up, they're still representing at the shows for a fucking reason, man. magiccccccccccccccccc. "you were the landmark of the show" {hugs random old head after show that was walking by for 30 seconds}---"keep smiling...you have the perfect smile" "that girl you're with has good karma, keep her that way" the space dancing....the SPACE DANCING, the molly, Golden road to unlimited devotion, turn on your love light (let it shine on me), hugs, EVERYBODY SMILING, everybody dancing, everybody feeling the fucking MUSIC the fucking ENERGY, OBAMAAAAAA, dancing in the streets, kindness of strangers (really family though...my tribe<3), i'd rather be with you, mindfucking, eli, eli, eli, smiling, the BASS, LESH PHIL PLAY, everything making sense......all the literature ive read on the dead, the hours of time i spent listening to their shows was for a reason it makes sense.....everything was perfect nothing bad happened, we were so LUCKY all the time, the knowing grins of the old heads, everybody feeling and knowing it was my first show, the pure ecstacy drug induced and otherwise......i think ive said too much but not enough at all. i think ive said more than im allowed. people that hhave it in them already but just havent learned WILL learn. they need a knief. i'll be their knief. ill guide them but i wont let them in on it. they need to discover the capability of humans for themselves. all they need to know is they'll be happy and never want to stop dancing or giving hugs. and who doesnt want that? if someone doesnt want that, then they dont deserve to know the truth thats out there. knief said that when (not if) i go to gathering of the vibes this summer, he'll let me in on his familys handshake. like, i never understood knief's obsession with me and thats what really turned me off of him but now i know that he saw in me something i knew was there but didnt know what to do about it. "help is on the way" was the first song phil played. oh how he knows. when i was rolling hardcore and reveling in my revelations (everyone has their own path they need to find and follow) there was a lot of mindfuck about how i should feel about knief now that we share such a surreal but REAL connection and....but i know his purpose was fulfilled. he was not meant to be my lover but my companion, my friend, my family. we cant ignore what we both now about the world so we'll always have that ("we'll always have the dead") but i let him know that i'm not interested in.....basically having sex with him. yeah......as fantastic as a person he is, we never had good sexual chemistry, just good cuddling chemistry! anywho, i have someone so better for That, and for so much More.
which brings me to more important thing numero dos: elijah snyder-vidmar. the fate of the hyphenated elite bringing two kind souls together! what a dreamboat! exudes sexuality, but has little moments of awkwardness that serve to make me feel better about myself. :-). sometimes i just wonder how someone so remarkable could be interested in ME? but then i lay off the self-doubt and realize i can be cool sometimes too, maybe lol. my housemates keep asking me if we're dating, and all i can do is smile. i don't date. i don't do boyfriends. i tried to see maybe if i could with Bret but that didnt work out so well. i mean brets obviously still one of my best friends but thats for sure all we'll ever be. i just cant do it. i dont know if its solely that constricting title of "boyfriend & girlfriend" that bugs me....nah i would definitley have pride in being eli's girlfriend. but i really just dont like being in a relationship like that. its so much pressure. when i was with bret, i wasnt living my life anymore, i was living OUR life...like, having to call him to make sure its ok if i go out without him and then he'd want to come and then id feel obligated to hang out around him instead of just dancing and having a good time. thats one major thing i like about eli----we can fucking DANCE. thats real imporant to me. i just have such a good time when i'm with him. i see a lot of myself in him and i think he sees a lot of himself in me. we both have a lot of inner turmoil but at least for me, it disappears when i'm around him. at the Phil show, i spent so long deciding in my head whether to text him or not and in the end, i did and it was the right decision. the crowd didnt seem to think so at first cause i think knief was let down and everybody came down a little but then through smiling and dancing and good energy and good karma that ive been actively building my entire life, by Sugar Magnolia everything was OK again, i emitted my good vibrations about eli to the crowd and they accepted me as the Sugar Magnolia that I (and everybody else at the show) am inside. I texted him "I wish I rolled with You". what i meant was i wish i rolled with him for my first time but i think i left that out subconscisouly on purpose because really i cant imagine a better first time and i certainly couldnt have two first times so i made some choices. they were all right, alright. so the long and the short of it is eli and i have a) really good sex b) really good pillow talk c) really good body language d) really good dancing chemistry e) really good interactivity, like when we do activities like play games or go on adventures or cook together f) really good intentions g) really pretty eyes h) really good taste in music i) lots of things in common j) the list can go on and on but i should probably stop there before i fall in love with him AND myself. what i think we need to work on is: a) serious conversations (fuck that, i hate being serious). b) communicating in general about the future (fuck that too, i live in the NOW) c) studying together (we end up just jumping each other) d) ummm this list is shorter and a lot less valid, to me at least. i wonder what his input will be when i read this entire entry to him. (sidenote: i took a vivance which is why this entry is so long and involved, also because this entry is long overdue....btw i dont usually take pills but i needed to write a paper which i didnt do at all, instead i wrote this which is probably the same length as the paper shouldve been but this is way more prevalent and important to me than a 7 page paper on antirhetorical italian cinema.) so in conlusion (maybe, who knows how much longer i can ramble on for) i feel like giving a relationship a definitive beginning, with the title and the anniversary, is also inherently giving it a definitive end, unless youre planning on getting married (and who does that anymore, they'll end in divorce anyway unless you happen upon you're one and only). and for now, i dont want this phenomenon with eli to end. so i'm just gonna go with it until i dont want to go with it anymore, or until he doesnt want to go with it anymore. i have no plans of meeting anyone else (but who plans that?) and im not seriously attached to anyone in my past so that solves that problem before it could even start. usually my problems lie in brevity....i'm all about the chase and then when i get what i want i dont want it anymore but i still want eli in every way possible (except anally, at the moment...hah.) and i dont have that nasty creeping feeling of claustrophobia or impending doom. i also dont have another problem that usually happens to me where i either like the guy way more than he likes me, or he likes me way more than i like him (which happens more often than not)....i think he and i are on the same page in that respect. if another variable comes in to the equation like, a sexy asian girl (ill explain that theory later), we'll deal with it then. so yeah, just a happy sexy good time until he goes to berlin in january. that's actually really near to now though. i want him to know now that i want him to go. this is my delve into narcissism for the entry: a couple weeks ago, sam asked me in context of a conversation we were having about eli & mys' future, "what if he falls in love with you?" the thought hadnt crossed my mind before, i had assumed i would be the one more into him (just cause hes just got that aura of fucking cooooool, man), but after she said it, i was forced to think about all my past paramours and a lot of them ended with, as i said before, the guy liking me way way more than i like him. i actively try to be humble and maybe thats part of my "fatal kind of charm" (direct Mirah quote), but i have to admit there is a history of men falling in unrequited love with the Black-Regan women: sisters, mother, and Pug included. i'm not too worried about that though because i sure like Eli a heck of a whole lot, i cant imagine him liking me in any creepier way than the writing-a-million-word-long-blog-entry-at-5-in-the-morning-about-him-kind of way. hehe. BUT! he is going to berlin in january (or he should be, depending on a transient professor and an elusive signarture) and he's planning on being there for awhile, and by awhile i mean he has no definitive plans to re-enter the USA any time. And i'll be in Utah for the summer (or i should be depending on a transient car and an elusive economy) so i guess......we'll just see about that future.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
back @ home, but a different one
utah changed my life. it changed everything. now i have direction; a goal. i'm going back to best friends next summer, all summer, & working instead of interning. so i'll be doing the same stuff except getting paid for it. nice.
i don't know if it was all utah, or maybe i'm just growing up but i can feel it in my bones & in my soul-- i'm changing. i don't really know how to illustrate with words all the shit going through my head but...i don't even know! there are so many changes going on in my life right now it's impossible to pinpoint one event. everythings different. i'm living in my own house with all these new people, i just got a job, i care about my school work, im contemplating taking a break from my lifelong pal marijuana, i cant decipher if all the acid makes me better or worse, i keep on thinking im a lesbian, i dont have any intimate distractions right now, i havent had sex in more than 2 months, i NEED to have sex like, this very second, i'm paranoid about people reading my mind, i think i can read minds, intersubjectivity, intersubjectivity, intersubjectivity, the list goes on and on and on.
my main battle, i think, is figuring out if i'm normal or not. and i know i know, what is normal anyway? but i have a lot of thoughts and soemtimes i just want to take comfort in the fact that other people have similarly whacked out thoughts all the time too. i keep on coming to the conclusion that, given my situation, i'm pretty normal. i graduated high school, and now i'm three years into rutgers. i have a job. i have friends. i get by. SO, given those facts, and given all the people who are like me in that respect, maybe i'm not as weird as i think i am, maybe that girl that just walked by the window thinks she can read minds too.
ok i can tell that wouldn't make sense to anyone but me so good thing no one reads this except me.
maybe i'm just breaking free from the societal mold so i have thoughts that run deeper than what happened in last weeks episode of the hills.
i just can't stop thinking and it's really getting on my nerves. sometimes i wish there was a button that just made my mind empty for a lil' bit. but...that's exactly what i'm fighting against. 'the man' is raising troops of mindless drones. i wish everyone knew that. everyone needs to drop some fucking acid. but then they have to deal with the consequences of fucking THINKING ALL THE TIME. it hurts!!
i dunno man....i gotta go think about some shit. lata.
-azul de stella
i don't know if it was all utah, or maybe i'm just growing up but i can feel it in my bones & in my soul-- i'm changing. i don't really know how to illustrate with words all the shit going through my head but...i don't even know! there are so many changes going on in my life right now it's impossible to pinpoint one event. everythings different. i'm living in my own house with all these new people, i just got a job, i care about my school work, im contemplating taking a break from my lifelong pal marijuana, i cant decipher if all the acid makes me better or worse, i keep on thinking im a lesbian, i dont have any intimate distractions right now, i havent had sex in more than 2 months, i NEED to have sex like, this very second, i'm paranoid about people reading my mind, i think i can read minds, intersubjectivity, intersubjectivity, intersubjectivity, the list goes on and on and on.
my main battle, i think, is figuring out if i'm normal or not. and i know i know, what is normal anyway? but i have a lot of thoughts and soemtimes i just want to take comfort in the fact that other people have similarly whacked out thoughts all the time too. i keep on coming to the conclusion that, given my situation, i'm pretty normal. i graduated high school, and now i'm three years into rutgers. i have a job. i have friends. i get by. SO, given those facts, and given all the people who are like me in that respect, maybe i'm not as weird as i think i am, maybe that girl that just walked by the window thinks she can read minds too.
ok i can tell that wouldn't make sense to anyone but me so good thing no one reads this except me.
maybe i'm just breaking free from the societal mold so i have thoughts that run deeper than what happened in last weeks episode of the hills.
i just can't stop thinking and it's really getting on my nerves. sometimes i wish there was a button that just made my mind empty for a lil' bit. but...that's exactly what i'm fighting against. 'the man' is raising troops of mindless drones. i wish everyone knew that. everyone needs to drop some fucking acid. but then they have to deal with the consequences of fucking THINKING ALL THE TIME. it hurts!!
i dunno man....i gotta go think about some shit. lata.
-azul de stella
Sunday, July 27, 2008
utah!
so i'm in utah and it's absolutely amazing. working at best friends is the most rewarding experience ever. it's hard manual labor but it's so gratifying knowing what you're doing is literally changing a life, even if it is for a pig or cat or bunny. it's something i'm seriously considering returning to whence finished at ol' rutgers. the best friends' mission is to spread kindness through animals and it really works. it's so hard to explain how this place is making me feel and think unless you've been here; and i encourage everyone to come visit and volunteer and understand the natural wonder of this place. it's so spiritual and just i don't even know, awesome. outside of best friends, i've just been chillin' in kanab-- smallest town ever. there's no social life, there's one traffic light, it's a complete microcosm. all of utah is a microcosm of it's own, completely separate from the rest of the united states. it's crazy that this place is seriously a part of the US-- the thought process is so completely different. first of all, i have not seen one black person here. no where. non-existant. second of all, everyone here marries out of high school and has three kids by the time they're my age! and of course, there are the mormons. yesterday was the mormon holiday 'pioneer day' and they had a parade through town which consisted of a float carrying toddlers that read "future missionaries"...signin' em up young so there's no chance for them to think for themselves, and a pick-up truck full of women in traditional mormon garb (full length skirt and blouse, all skin covered except for their faces and their braided puff of a hair [the higher the puff, the higher their status within their polyg clan]) that had a banner that read "a gracious woman retaineth honor"--vomfest, for ser.
there are 4 other interns aside from myself--three are all around my age and one is an older woman looking to leave her old life and start a second one; quite common around best friends. a lot of people all had previous lives in corporate america and chose to finally do something about their love for animals, planned to work here for a couple years, and ended up staying here for a decade or two. i think that's fucking awesome. anywho, i get along rather well with the other interns. the three that are around my age and i go out to eat often, sit together at lunch, go to the one movie theatre with it's one screen, exclusively pg-13 and under movies that are already out of the theatre in any other state, and $1.50 extra large popcorn, and the four of us took a drive up to zion and hiked the beautiful emerald pools trail the other day. cool cool experience. honestly though, kanab is the "greatest earth on show", the golden center of national parks (directly in the middle of zion, bryce, and the grand canyon) and one need'nt even make the hour trip to zion to get the same experience as walking down the streets of kanab or the 10 minute drive up angel canyon to best friends.
tuesday starts part 2 of my internship. the first two weeks the interns spent a day or two in each different animal area (dogs, cats, parrots, bunnies, horses, pigs, & wild friends) then the last four weeks we choose which area we want to focus in. i chose doggies, exclusively the runs behind the clinic with the "red collar dogs" as opposed to Dogtown Heights with the "green collar dogs". every dog at best friends is ranked by the color of their collar. green means their volunteer friendly, they can go on walks with anyone, etc. the red collar dogs are staff only-- they have a bite history, are dog aggressive, have issues in general. purple collar dogs i think are "caution" dogs, maybe a bite history from a long time ago or not good with kids, afraid of men, etc. i can't even remember the other color collar. color collar. color collar. anywho so i have an affinity with the more difficult dogs. we get to pick a dog for a "one-on-one" experience. basically, we choose a dog (or the dog chooses us) that has an issue, like is shy or jumps, or just something that needs to be worked on and we get to know it for four weeks and personally try to help the dog overcome it's issue. should be pretty fun.
this morning jas and i went to church. ugh. jas has a way of guilting people in to doing things and i felt bad when i said that i didn't want to go. so i went and my cheek twitched guiltily the entire time i was sitting there listening to the catholic bullshit--it was like my body telling me i shouldn't be there. i'm a spiritual person, or at least i try to be but spiritual is the key word there. i am not religious. i don't believe in organized religion....especially catholicism--i should know, i was raised on it. eight years of CCD and i'm fucking through. i do believe that at least one day a week should be a day of rest and reflection but back in jersey, my church is waking up at Xam's on sunday morning, smokin a doober, going to brunch at zinc cafe with my friends, and zenning it up with a good hack circle to work off the 'itis after a sick meal made by chris at zinc.
speaking of friends, i miss everyone dearly. it's only been two weeks since i left but time goes by so slowly here it feels like i haven't seen anyone in years. unfortunately, there is a serious dick drought here. everyone's married already and the like, so i often think of Xam. i wonder what it'll be like when i come home. the lack of funny good looking available guys is reaaaaaaaaally frustrating, especially for me and my love of romping so i lie awake at night relieving myself, hanging on to seemingly distant (uuh three weeks ago?) memories of Xam & I. gahh he's so cute.
also speaking of friends, she she, ninja elf, rasputin, and cait are leaving for their three week road trip (final destination-- kanb, utah to visit me!) tomorrow night. i'm so excited to see them but im actually really jealous that i don't get to go on the road trip :-( it's gonna be so much fun for them. cay cay's in san fran right now visiting fink for a couple days, that's really sweet. i'm glad she got to go out there.
well i think that's more or less all the news i have. i'll be back in jersey on dad's birthday, aug. 24th. i hope he looks over me and makes sure i have safe travels. i was actually wondering why jas started going to church out here, i know she's not super catholic either. i figured out that's it's most likely a thing we used to do when dad was here and she's keeping it alive. i was four when he died but i always forget that jas was 14; she had 14 years of life and memories with him and i can only imagine that how ever much i miss him, she missed him 14x more. i think it might be why i conceded and went to church today, and also why i make the yearly trip over to St. Joan's every Christmas. going to church is one of the few things i remember doing with him. my mom and dad weren't religious either but they thought that us kids should be raised with some form of spirituality and then we were free at 13 to choose if we wanted to follow catholicism or follow some other religious or non-religious route. anyway, without fail every Christmas Mass i sit there ignoring the sermon and just think of how different our lives would be if he was still alive, and i always end up crying. i'm not a big cryer but sitting there in church, with the holiday spirit flying around, and the familar sights and smells, thinking of what my dad would think of the boy i'm currently seeing, or if he would be ok with all the decisions i'm making, or how different my decisions would be if he didn't die....the tears just spill. ahh alright, this entry is getting way too long and waaaaaaay too sappy. and i have to pee like a motherfucker so ima go.
peace & love.
-stella blue.
there are 4 other interns aside from myself--three are all around my age and one is an older woman looking to leave her old life and start a second one; quite common around best friends. a lot of people all had previous lives in corporate america and chose to finally do something about their love for animals, planned to work here for a couple years, and ended up staying here for a decade or two. i think that's fucking awesome. anywho, i get along rather well with the other interns. the three that are around my age and i go out to eat often, sit together at lunch, go to the one movie theatre with it's one screen, exclusively pg-13 and under movies that are already out of the theatre in any other state, and $1.50 extra large popcorn, and the four of us took a drive up to zion and hiked the beautiful emerald pools trail the other day. cool cool experience. honestly though, kanab is the "greatest earth on show", the golden center of national parks (directly in the middle of zion, bryce, and the grand canyon) and one need'nt even make the hour trip to zion to get the same experience as walking down the streets of kanab or the 10 minute drive up angel canyon to best friends.
tuesday starts part 2 of my internship. the first two weeks the interns spent a day or two in each different animal area (dogs, cats, parrots, bunnies, horses, pigs, & wild friends) then the last four weeks we choose which area we want to focus in. i chose doggies, exclusively the runs behind the clinic with the "red collar dogs" as opposed to Dogtown Heights with the "green collar dogs". every dog at best friends is ranked by the color of their collar. green means their volunteer friendly, they can go on walks with anyone, etc. the red collar dogs are staff only-- they have a bite history, are dog aggressive, have issues in general. purple collar dogs i think are "caution" dogs, maybe a bite history from a long time ago or not good with kids, afraid of men, etc. i can't even remember the other color collar. color collar. color collar. anywho so i have an affinity with the more difficult dogs. we get to pick a dog for a "one-on-one" experience. basically, we choose a dog (or the dog chooses us) that has an issue, like is shy or jumps, or just something that needs to be worked on and we get to know it for four weeks and personally try to help the dog overcome it's issue. should be pretty fun.
this morning jas and i went to church. ugh. jas has a way of guilting people in to doing things and i felt bad when i said that i didn't want to go. so i went and my cheek twitched guiltily the entire time i was sitting there listening to the catholic bullshit--it was like my body telling me i shouldn't be there. i'm a spiritual person, or at least i try to be but spiritual is the key word there. i am not religious. i don't believe in organized religion....especially catholicism--i should know, i was raised on it. eight years of CCD and i'm fucking through. i do believe that at least one day a week should be a day of rest and reflection but back in jersey, my church is waking up at Xam's on sunday morning, smokin a doober, going to brunch at zinc cafe with my friends, and zenning it up with a good hack circle to work off the 'itis after a sick meal made by chris at zinc.
speaking of friends, i miss everyone dearly. it's only been two weeks since i left but time goes by so slowly here it feels like i haven't seen anyone in years. unfortunately, there is a serious dick drought here. everyone's married already and the like, so i often think of Xam. i wonder what it'll be like when i come home. the lack of funny good looking available guys is reaaaaaaaaally frustrating, especially for me and my love of romping so i lie awake at night relieving myself, hanging on to seemingly distant (uuh three weeks ago?) memories of Xam & I. gahh he's so cute.
also speaking of friends, she she, ninja elf, rasputin, and cait are leaving for their three week road trip (final destination-- kanb, utah to visit me!) tomorrow night. i'm so excited to see them but im actually really jealous that i don't get to go on the road trip :-( it's gonna be so much fun for them. cay cay's in san fran right now visiting fink for a couple days, that's really sweet. i'm glad she got to go out there.
well i think that's more or less all the news i have. i'll be back in jersey on dad's birthday, aug. 24th. i hope he looks over me and makes sure i have safe travels. i was actually wondering why jas started going to church out here, i know she's not super catholic either. i figured out that's it's most likely a thing we used to do when dad was here and she's keeping it alive. i was four when he died but i always forget that jas was 14; she had 14 years of life and memories with him and i can only imagine that how ever much i miss him, she missed him 14x more. i think it might be why i conceded and went to church today, and also why i make the yearly trip over to St. Joan's every Christmas. going to church is one of the few things i remember doing with him. my mom and dad weren't religious either but they thought that us kids should be raised with some form of spirituality and then we were free at 13 to choose if we wanted to follow catholicism or follow some other religious or non-religious route. anyway, without fail every Christmas Mass i sit there ignoring the sermon and just think of how different our lives would be if he was still alive, and i always end up crying. i'm not a big cryer but sitting there in church, with the holiday spirit flying around, and the familar sights and smells, thinking of what my dad would think of the boy i'm currently seeing, or if he would be ok with all the decisions i'm making, or how different my decisions would be if he didn't die....the tears just spill. ahh alright, this entry is getting way too long and waaaaaaay too sappy. and i have to pee like a motherfucker so ima go.
peace & love.
-stella blue.
Friday, July 11, 2008
friday night at the cabin. should be fun. supposedly a buuuunch of people are coming so i'm pretty pumped. i'm also pumped for my trip to UTAH which i will be leaving for on sunday!! we'll see how six weeks of living with my sister for the first time in 10 years will be like. hopefully, we won't kill each other.
not much else to report on. really.
well i suppose there are other things to report on but once again i find myself suppressing and/or internalizing everything to the point where i'm not even sure what to feel/think.
i was pretty upset the other day when i found out Xam's way of repaying me for abandoning me at a train station was making out with my best friend. the more i write about my faux-relationship with Xam the more fucked up i realize it is and it's making it surprisingly easy to fall out of love with him. there's also the fact that i'll be gone for six weeks, so maybe i'm subconsciously putting up mental barriers to ward myself from any nagging feelings of sadness or yearning for a person that just does not give back. i've learned in my Intro to Comm. lecture that relationships are based off of a cost/reward system. i find myself too often in positions with friends where i give so much and get little in return. but then i have to look at it through a different perspective, the perspective of my friends. i've been broke as a joke for over a year now and maybe that's wearing my friends down a little. i can never do anything that costs money (which excludes just about everything outside of walking--the only free thing to do anymore) and i have nothing to contribute that's monetarily based. however, my group of particular friends all agree that money is the root of all evil and ideally try to forget about it's existence. realistically though, maybe i've drained them. i try my absolute best not to mooch and i NEVER ask for money or anything but i don't know... what i can't offer in money though, i try to make up for in being the best possible friend. i give emotionally, rather than monetarily. i really do pride myself in being a good friend but Certain People are rather blind to it. perhaps i've known said Certain People for too long and they still think of me in terms of 4 years ago and are too blond to notice my personal growth and change. i'm definitely nowhere near the same person i was in high school, but there could be a stigma that he just can't get over. or doesn't try to get over. or doesn't even notice.
really though, i've never met anyone so stolid. NO emotional range. i've never seen a hint of sadness or a burst of uncontrollable laughter or irrational anger, or even rational anger. whenever i examine him (which i do often, with all the non-talking the only thing i can do is observe and analyze quietly to myself), the only emotion i get from him is tired. he's just always tired.
and then the perspective comes in yet again and i realize that as consumed by thoughts of him as i am, he is just on a different page in his life. his work schedule is hectic, he doesn't come home till 10 at night and he barely gets any time to himself which should be important to people. everyone needs time to their self and he's always surrounded. all he ever does when he isn't working is watching really bad movies on HBO. and like, that's not that attractive. come on, do something else with your life. you had a long day at work but you didn't have to. you could've come home early rather than going on a ride and then out to the bar. remember you have friends at home that love you and miss you. you're never around anymore.
wow....that was...revealing. i suppose that's what i want to say to him but don't have the courage to.
this blog let's me say write things out that i'm thinking. but really, all it's achieving is making me realize how unstable i am. i like to think that i'm solid but i DO have issues, issues that need to be dealt with instead of quelled or ignored or denied.
for 1: i need to let go of Xam. it's bordering unhealthy. and if he ever like, i dunno, read this blog i would be mortified and he would probably be mortified too. like "this girl actually thinks about me this much?"
for 2: i NEED to get laid. i'm going out to Utah, basically signing myself up for 6 weeks of celibacy. i need to get laid stat. unfortunately, as whoever reads this knows (i doubt anyone reads it though), things have gone awry with Xam soooo that counts him out. he may be at the cabin tonight. i still haven't decided whether to put up my most passive aggressive front and let him wonder or act like nothing happened for the sake of getting one good lay in before i ship out. acting like nothing happened would be satisfying in the short term (about the 7.5 minutes of penetration) but ultimately it would just perpetuate my ill feelings toward both Xam and myself. playing passive aggressive and sitting back and watching how uncomfortable he is would also be satisfying in the short term but i would also ultimately gain nothing but instantly gratifying delusions that how i act actually affects this fucking untouchable, unreachable ginger.
for 3: this may sound like the first bullet but i just had a revelation and don't feel like backspacing. i need to, for once and for all, take Xam off this ridiculous pedastal i carry him on. maybe he isn't as unreachable as i've always thought. maybe he's just a regular guy with regular thoughts and maybe he has a secret blog and writes on and on about me. or about anything. i would love to read a blog that Xam writes. i would love to see him passionate about anything other than engineering bikes and mathematics.
fuckin' math majors. so hard to deal with emotionally. they see things in such different ways. they apply the rules of math to everyday life and i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's not My thing and it is Xam's thing. maybe deep down, we're just not good together.
oh shit it's 4:30, office is closing i gotta go!!
-stella b.
not much else to report on. really.
well i suppose there are other things to report on but once again i find myself suppressing and/or internalizing everything to the point where i'm not even sure what to feel/think.
i was pretty upset the other day when i found out Xam's way of repaying me for abandoning me at a train station was making out with my best friend. the more i write about my faux-relationship with Xam the more fucked up i realize it is and it's making it surprisingly easy to fall out of love with him. there's also the fact that i'll be gone for six weeks, so maybe i'm subconsciously putting up mental barriers to ward myself from any nagging feelings of sadness or yearning for a person that just does not give back. i've learned in my Intro to Comm. lecture that relationships are based off of a cost/reward system. i find myself too often in positions with friends where i give so much and get little in return. but then i have to look at it through a different perspective, the perspective of my friends. i've been broke as a joke for over a year now and maybe that's wearing my friends down a little. i can never do anything that costs money (which excludes just about everything outside of walking--the only free thing to do anymore) and i have nothing to contribute that's monetarily based. however, my group of particular friends all agree that money is the root of all evil and ideally try to forget about it's existence. realistically though, maybe i've drained them. i try my absolute best not to mooch and i NEVER ask for money or anything but i don't know... what i can't offer in money though, i try to make up for in being the best possible friend. i give emotionally, rather than monetarily. i really do pride myself in being a good friend but Certain People are rather blind to it. perhaps i've known said Certain People for too long and they still think of me in terms of 4 years ago and are too blond to notice my personal growth and change. i'm definitely nowhere near the same person i was in high school, but there could be a stigma that he just can't get over. or doesn't try to get over. or doesn't even notice.
really though, i've never met anyone so stolid. NO emotional range. i've never seen a hint of sadness or a burst of uncontrollable laughter or irrational anger, or even rational anger. whenever i examine him (which i do often, with all the non-talking the only thing i can do is observe and analyze quietly to myself), the only emotion i get from him is tired. he's just always tired.
and then the perspective comes in yet again and i realize that as consumed by thoughts of him as i am, he is just on a different page in his life. his work schedule is hectic, he doesn't come home till 10 at night and he barely gets any time to himself which should be important to people. everyone needs time to their self and he's always surrounded. all he ever does when he isn't working is watching really bad movies on HBO. and like, that's not that attractive. come on, do something else with your life. you had a long day at work but you didn't have to. you could've come home early rather than going on a ride and then out to the bar. remember you have friends at home that love you and miss you. you're never around anymore.
wow....that was...revealing. i suppose that's what i want to say to him but don't have the courage to.
this blog let's me say write things out that i'm thinking. but really, all it's achieving is making me realize how unstable i am. i like to think that i'm solid but i DO have issues, issues that need to be dealt with instead of quelled or ignored or denied.
for 1: i need to let go of Xam. it's bordering unhealthy. and if he ever like, i dunno, read this blog i would be mortified and he would probably be mortified too. like "this girl actually thinks about me this much?"
for 2: i NEED to get laid. i'm going out to Utah, basically signing myself up for 6 weeks of celibacy. i need to get laid stat. unfortunately, as whoever reads this knows (i doubt anyone reads it though), things have gone awry with Xam soooo that counts him out. he may be at the cabin tonight. i still haven't decided whether to put up my most passive aggressive front and let him wonder or act like nothing happened for the sake of getting one good lay in before i ship out. acting like nothing happened would be satisfying in the short term (about the 7.5 minutes of penetration) but ultimately it would just perpetuate my ill feelings toward both Xam and myself. playing passive aggressive and sitting back and watching how uncomfortable he is would also be satisfying in the short term but i would also ultimately gain nothing but instantly gratifying delusions that how i act actually affects this fucking untouchable, unreachable ginger.
for 3: this may sound like the first bullet but i just had a revelation and don't feel like backspacing. i need to, for once and for all, take Xam off this ridiculous pedastal i carry him on. maybe he isn't as unreachable as i've always thought. maybe he's just a regular guy with regular thoughts and maybe he has a secret blog and writes on and on about me. or about anything. i would love to read a blog that Xam writes. i would love to see him passionate about anything other than engineering bikes and mathematics.
fuckin' math majors. so hard to deal with emotionally. they see things in such different ways. they apply the rules of math to everyday life and i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's not My thing and it is Xam's thing. maybe deep down, we're just not good together.
oh shit it's 4:30, office is closing i gotta go!!
-stella b.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
cabin fever!!! she-she-la-la's got the cabin until the 11th and we've been partying it up the last two nights. it sucks that it's only the nights. everyones' schedules are so different that we can only all gather together 'round midnight and by 8 in the morning half the people have gone to work, including myself. last year we were at the cabin 24/7...drunk all day off shitty beer, stoned all day off dankkkkk ganj....relaxing on a floatie in the middle of the lake, sun on skin, beer in hand, half asleep until someone sneakattacks you and you're too drunk to notice that half of your beer is now mucky lake water...the days, man, the DAYS!
so this year is a little different but we've only had the cabin for two days so hopefully we'll settle into a groove more reminiscent of last year rather than the same ol' same ol' at a neater location, ya know?
i got into a little tussle with Xam the other day. well, it's more me being angry and internalizing it and arguing with the voices in my head rather than Xam himself BUT therein lies the root of the problem. communication issues. i can't blame it all on him-- well i can in this certain instance but i can't blame him for Everything because as socially retarded as he is, i am only a little less socially retarded. but i'm actually not-- just around him. i don't know why it happens, i mean i can talk to anybody about anything but when it comes to Xam there's this automatic barrier that goes up and i literally can't talk to him about anything consequential at all. which is ridiculous because i've been great friends with him for like, ~4 years now and outside of the past 6 months we had "hooked up" on occasion; ya know, drunk at parties blah blah blah nothing serious. nothing serious. that's how it's always been. but then in january when i broke up with B.A., the sexual tension with Xam was out of this world and we immediately started "hooking up". and then it started happening on a more regular basis than ever before and before long people started assuming i would sleep over and stop asking me for rides home, etc.-- they got a clue. at this point, i think even his Mom assumes we're more or less together. but the thing is is that we're NOT together. we sleep together, literally & figuratively and we talk and stuff in social settings but when we're alone together-- if we're not doin' it-- then we have nothing to say to each other. it's crazy. and i think it's because after 6 months of doin' it & not talking about it (literally, we've never spoken of our liaision-- as i said, communication issues), too much time has past to broach the subject. i'm scared, literally scared of what he would say. and i don't want our relationship to change (lies, yes i do) so i'm too scared to do anything about it and more and more time passes and it gets harder and harder. and i mean, i want our relationship to change in the sense that i want to be comfortable talking to him about, um ANYTHING. but, i don't need to date him or anything constricting like that (fuck formal relationships FREE LOVE!!). i just want to fucking talk to him. i would kill to know what the fuck is going through his head when i'm on his bed in my favorite pair of underwear and he's....on the computer ignoring my existence. not healthy, right? i mean i need peace of mind. i've been getting the worst sleep, nightmares and the like, and i think the stress of this pathetic half relationship/dealing with unrequited love/lust/whatever is contributing to my lack of R.E.M.
whoa, writing it all down is taking forever but i think i need to. my mom said i should stop internalizing all my problems so i suppose this is a good outlet.
in any event, what it comes down to is i'm not happy. and my goal in life is to be happy. all the time. never sad. and Xam makes me sad sometimes. and it's not really worth it. but i don't want to give it up. because we have good sexual chemistry. rock & a hard place.
-Stellaaaaaa BLUEEEE
so this year is a little different but we've only had the cabin for two days so hopefully we'll settle into a groove more reminiscent of last year rather than the same ol' same ol' at a neater location, ya know?
i got into a little tussle with Xam the other day. well, it's more me being angry and internalizing it and arguing with the voices in my head rather than Xam himself BUT therein lies the root of the problem. communication issues. i can't blame it all on him-- well i can in this certain instance but i can't blame him for Everything because as socially retarded as he is, i am only a little less socially retarded. but i'm actually not-- just around him. i don't know why it happens, i mean i can talk to anybody about anything but when it comes to Xam there's this automatic barrier that goes up and i literally can't talk to him about anything consequential at all. which is ridiculous because i've been great friends with him for like, ~4 years now and outside of the past 6 months we had "hooked up" on occasion; ya know, drunk at parties blah blah blah nothing serious. nothing serious. that's how it's always been. but then in january when i broke up with B.A., the sexual tension with Xam was out of this world and we immediately started "hooking up". and then it started happening on a more regular basis than ever before and before long people started assuming i would sleep over and stop asking me for rides home, etc.-- they got a clue. at this point, i think even his Mom assumes we're more or less together. but the thing is is that we're NOT together. we sleep together, literally & figuratively and we talk and stuff in social settings but when we're alone together-- if we're not doin' it-- then we have nothing to say to each other. it's crazy. and i think it's because after 6 months of doin' it & not talking about it (literally, we've never spoken of our liaision-- as i said, communication issues), too much time has past to broach the subject. i'm scared, literally scared of what he would say. and i don't want our relationship to change (lies, yes i do) so i'm too scared to do anything about it and more and more time passes and it gets harder and harder. and i mean, i want our relationship to change in the sense that i want to be comfortable talking to him about, um ANYTHING. but, i don't need to date him or anything constricting like that (fuck formal relationships FREE LOVE!!). i just want to fucking talk to him. i would kill to know what the fuck is going through his head when i'm on his bed in my favorite pair of underwear and he's....on the computer ignoring my existence. not healthy, right? i mean i need peace of mind. i've been getting the worst sleep, nightmares and the like, and i think the stress of this pathetic half relationship/dealing with unrequited love/lust/whatever is contributing to my lack of R.E.M.
whoa, writing it all down is taking forever but i think i need to. my mom said i should stop internalizing all my problems so i suppose this is a good outlet.
in any event, what it comes down to is i'm not happy. and my goal in life is to be happy. all the time. never sad. and Xam makes me sad sometimes. and it's not really worth it. but i don't want to give it up. because we have good sexual chemistry. rock & a hard place.
-Stellaaaaaa BLUEEEE
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
hah i took this excerpt from an estranged friends away message. it more or less says what i've been thinking about myself but didn't know how to even formulate the thoughts in my own head let alone write about it in a blog. so, thanks sabre11779 whoever the fuck you are; thanks for getting it and not even knowing.
Sabre11779 (1:21:49 AM): You're breakin' my heart, Alex...
Sabre11779 (1:23:31 AM): No, I mean in general...It's like you know you want something more than just a physical relationship, and you want people to see you for more than that, but at the same problem, you doubt yourself so much that you can't stop turning to purely physical relationships as the only means you have of validating yourself as a person...
Sabre11779 (1:24:22 AM): So when someone with whom you've been intimate rejects you, for anything, even tiny things, you feel like they're rejecting you, as a person, because you're letting that side of you be the only side that people see...the "crazy party-girl" Alex....
Sabre11779 (1:21:49 AM): You're breakin' my heart, Alex...
Sabre11779 (1:23:31 AM): No, I mean in general...It's like you know you want something more than just a physical relationship, and you want people to see you for more than that, but at the same problem, you doubt yourself so much that you can't stop turning to purely physical relationships as the only means you have of validating yourself as a person...
Sabre11779 (1:24:22 AM): So when someone with whom you've been intimate rejects you, for anything, even tiny things, you feel like they're rejecting you, as a person, because you're letting that side of you be the only side that people see...the "crazy party-girl" Alex....
Monday, July 7, 2008
July 4th was kind of a bust. I mean, it wasn't bad but nothing too exciting happened on my trip up the Bruns. The only fireworks I saw were from a distance while driving up the Turnpike. I moved most of my furniture into the house...that was the most exciting part. My room is unbelievably small for a double...don't know how the roommate's going to fit her stuff in. Golly, this sure is an exciting blog. I've used the word exciting three times now and this is most definitely the least exciting entry ever. Interesting.
I slept over Xam's last night. I don't know. I was going to write more about it but my best friend unfortunately got this web address out of me so my blog isn't anonymous anymore. Not that I'd write anything that I wouldn't share with her....actually maybe I would. I've been thinking lately that I'm seriously going insane and I don't know if I'm ready to share that with people. I've always heard however, that if one consciously thinks they're going insane, they're probably not. I really think the solution to my inner turmoil is a nice 6 week break from my life, which is rather conveniant seeing as in a week I'll be off to Utah for exactly that. I'm getting a little concerned about how drastic my life will change in those 6 short weeks however. Like, this morning my mom told me I need to buy a 1 piece bathing suit because the public pool near where my sister lives does not allow bikinis?!?!? How archaic is that?? This should be a rather interesting trip. Also, I need to find acid in less than 7 days. May be difficult.
I'm going to go finish reading Candide for the second time.
Peace-
Stella Blue
I slept over Xam's last night. I don't know. I was going to write more about it but my best friend unfortunately got this web address out of me so my blog isn't anonymous anymore. Not that I'd write anything that I wouldn't share with her....actually maybe I would. I've been thinking lately that I'm seriously going insane and I don't know if I'm ready to share that with people. I've always heard however, that if one consciously thinks they're going insane, they're probably not. I really think the solution to my inner turmoil is a nice 6 week break from my life, which is rather conveniant seeing as in a week I'll be off to Utah for exactly that. I'm getting a little concerned about how drastic my life will change in those 6 short weeks however. Like, this morning my mom told me I need to buy a 1 piece bathing suit because the public pool near where my sister lives does not allow bikinis?!?!? How archaic is that?? This should be a rather interesting trip. Also, I need to find acid in less than 7 days. May be difficult.
I'm going to go finish reading Candide for the second time.
Peace-
Stella Blue
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Beginnings
Summer began mid May, Utah is mid July. In retrospect, I suppose I could've gotten a "real" job- two months is quite a while. I was (still am) signed up through the temp agency but they hadn't given me a job for those entire two months up until now- the two weeks before I leave for Utah- the two weeks where I should and want to rather be doing ANYTHING else. The cabin on the lake is rented until the 11th-
IF ONE MORE PHONE CALL INTERRUPTS MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT.....
So I signed up with this temp agency only thinking about the cash flow but I soon realized working in an office is everything I don't ever want to do with my life. I have so much more potential than answering a phone for 8 hours. Unfortunately, I am also cursed with laziness thus I'm not actively doing anything about my situation besides complaining about it in a blog that I will surely never use after this gig as recepcionista is through.
And then there's that damn perspective that plagues (blesses?) me. Whenever I'm unhappy about my mediocre life I think about every person that is suffering infinitely more than me. There's a lot of people worse off so my perspective never runs dry.
I don't know what this blog will be about- if it will have a theme or end up being my pretentious rants or conspiracies or music or movies or drugs....I am a jack of all trades and a master of none so keeping a blog that won't turn into a diary may be difficult.
Let me introduce myself:
My name is _____ (you can refer to me as Stella Blue) and I am a 20 year old college student. That's all you're going to get because I am also paranoid that the government is out to get me so I try to keep my personal information limited. You're never gonna get me.
My interests (which I suppose I will try to throw into this doomed-to-fail blog) include but are not limited too: The Grateful Dead......................
haha just kidding I have at least a little more depth...
but seriously: The Grateful Dead, music of all sorts, movies (good ones), movies (bad ones), driving (not so much anymore what with gas prices blah blah blah), cigarettes & coffee, Otis Redding (if anyone just got that reference, leave a comment), thought, ganj, tripping, learning, free love...
Gosh I sound like I stepped out of 1967. Well, I am my mother's daughter (obviously..) and she has influenced me. I suppose one could label me as a hippie. Most people nowadays would use it derogatively but I embrace it. My philosophy in life is if everyone did acid, everything would be ok. I really have to poop, excuse me.
IF ONE MORE PHONE CALL INTERRUPTS MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT.....
So I signed up with this temp agency only thinking about the cash flow but I soon realized working in an office is everything I don't ever want to do with my life. I have so much more potential than answering a phone for 8 hours. Unfortunately, I am also cursed with laziness thus I'm not actively doing anything about my situation besides complaining about it in a blog that I will surely never use after this gig as recepcionista is through.
And then there's that damn perspective that plagues (blesses?) me. Whenever I'm unhappy about my mediocre life I think about every person that is suffering infinitely more than me. There's a lot of people worse off so my perspective never runs dry.
I don't know what this blog will be about- if it will have a theme or end up being my pretentious rants or conspiracies or music or movies or drugs....I am a jack of all trades and a master of none so keeping a blog that won't turn into a diary may be difficult.
Let me introduce myself:
My name is _____ (you can refer to me as Stella Blue) and I am a 20 year old college student. That's all you're going to get because I am also paranoid that the government is out to get me so I try to keep my personal information limited. You're never gonna get me.
My interests (which I suppose I will try to throw into this doomed-to-fail blog) include but are not limited too: The Grateful Dead......................
haha just kidding I have at least a little more depth...
but seriously: The Grateful Dead, music of all sorts, movies (good ones), movies (bad ones), driving (not so much anymore what with gas prices blah blah blah), cigarettes & coffee, Otis Redding (if anyone just got that reference, leave a comment), thought, ganj, tripping, learning, free love...
Gosh I sound like I stepped out of 1967. Well, I am my mother's daughter (obviously..) and she has influenced me. I suppose one could label me as a hippie. Most people nowadays would use it derogatively but I embrace it. My philosophy in life is if everyone did acid, everything would be ok. I really have to poop, excuse me.
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