utah changed my life. it changed everything. now i have direction; a goal. i'm going back to best friends next summer, all summer, & working instead of interning. so i'll be doing the same stuff except getting paid for it. nice.
i don't know if it was all utah, or maybe i'm just growing up but i can feel it in my bones & in my soul-- i'm changing. i don't really know how to illustrate with words all the shit going through my head but...i don't even know! there are so many changes going on in my life right now it's impossible to pinpoint one event. everythings different. i'm living in my own house with all these new people, i just got a job, i care about my school work, im contemplating taking a break from my lifelong pal marijuana, i cant decipher if all the acid makes me better or worse, i keep on thinking im a lesbian, i dont have any intimate distractions right now, i havent had sex in more than 2 months, i NEED to have sex like, this very second, i'm paranoid about people reading my mind, i think i can read minds, intersubjectivity, intersubjectivity, intersubjectivity, the list goes on and on and on.
my main battle, i think, is figuring out if i'm normal or not. and i know i know, what is normal anyway? but i have a lot of thoughts and soemtimes i just want to take comfort in the fact that other people have similarly whacked out thoughts all the time too. i keep on coming to the conclusion that, given my situation, i'm pretty normal. i graduated high school, and now i'm three years into rutgers. i have a job. i have friends. i get by. SO, given those facts, and given all the people who are like me in that respect, maybe i'm not as weird as i think i am, maybe that girl that just walked by the window thinks she can read minds too.
ok i can tell that wouldn't make sense to anyone but me so good thing no one reads this except me.
maybe i'm just breaking free from the societal mold so i have thoughts that run deeper than what happened in last weeks episode of the hills.
i just can't stop thinking and it's really getting on my nerves. sometimes i wish there was a button that just made my mind empty for a lil' bit. but...that's exactly what i'm fighting against. 'the man' is raising troops of mindless drones. i wish everyone knew that. everyone needs to drop some fucking acid. but then they have to deal with the consequences of fucking THINKING ALL THE TIME. it hurts!!
i dunno man....i gotta go think about some shit. lata.
-azul de stella
Monday, September 15, 2008
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