so i was drunk and given some x so i took it without thinking, sucked on it for about a minute, then spit it and put it in my pocket when i realized i have work at 930 in the morning. still, after merely a minute, im up and in no shape for sleeping Any Time Soon and in good shape for reflection as i am by myself; the only one up at this hour. i Stumbled upon some nuggets of native american wisdom and that got my mind rolling because it was all so true. right now, im thinking about this native american traditional poem that's hanging on the wall at my home home, by my dad's ashes.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

i think this poem explains a lot about why my dad wished to be cremated instead of buried (thus why it's hanging right next to him), but i suppose we should've scattered his ashes to really let his soul spread. i hope we're not selfishly holding his essence captive in a meaningless urn. i think my mom still needs him around though. i know that he knows how often i think about him and how much i miss him and how i wish he could've been around to shape my future and my sisters' futures but i guess he has been there all along, just not in the form that is so tangible. lately, thinking about dad always leads to thoughts of eli because both are the most important men in my life, both are always present in my mind, and both are out of reach. it's so good to know how much my mom appreciates the good vibrations that emanate from eli because it confirms that dad would have loved him too.

oh baby i love ecstasy. good good good good vibrations. i don't know where but he sends me there!!!!!!! elij, if you're reading this... :-D

-Stella Blue

p.s. 3 updates in one day! overrrrload.