cabin fever!!! she-she-la-la's got the cabin until the 11th and we've been partying it up the last two nights. it sucks that it's only the nights. everyones' schedules are so different that we can only all gather together 'round midnight and by 8 in the morning half the people have gone to work, including myself. last year we were at the cabin 24/7...drunk all day off shitty beer, stoned all day off dankkkkk ganj....relaxing on a floatie in the middle of the lake, sun on skin, beer in hand, half asleep until someone sneakattacks you and you're too drunk to notice that half of your beer is now mucky lake water...the days, man, the DAYS!

so this year is a little different but we've only had the cabin for two days so hopefully we'll settle into a groove more reminiscent of last year rather than the same ol' same ol' at a neater location, ya know?

i got into a little tussle with Xam the other day. well, it's more me being angry and internalizing it and arguing with the voices in my head rather than Xam himself BUT therein lies the root of the problem. communication issues. i can't blame it all on him-- well i can in this certain instance but i can't blame him for Everything because as socially retarded as he is, i am only a little less socially retarded. but i'm actually not-- just around him. i don't know why it happens, i mean i can talk to anybody about anything but when it comes to Xam there's this automatic barrier that goes up and i literally can't talk to him about anything consequential at all. which is ridiculous because i've been great friends with him for like, ~4 years now and outside of the past 6 months we had "hooked up" on occasion; ya know, drunk at parties blah blah blah nothing serious. nothing serious. that's how it's always been. but then in january when i broke up with B.A., the sexual tension with Xam was out of this world and we immediately started "hooking up". and then it started happening on a more regular basis than ever before and before long people started assuming i would sleep over and stop asking me for rides home, etc.-- they got a clue. at this point, i think even his Mom assumes we're more or less together. but the thing is is that we're NOT together. we sleep together, literally & figuratively and we talk and stuff in social settings but when we're alone together-- if we're not doin' it-- then we have nothing to say to each other. it's crazy. and i think it's because after 6 months of doin' it & not talking about it (literally, we've never spoken of our liaision-- as i said, communication issues), too much time has past to broach the subject. i'm scared, literally scared of what he would say. and i don't want our relationship to change (lies, yes i do) so i'm too scared to do anything about it and more and more time passes and it gets harder and harder. and i mean, i want our relationship to change in the sense that i want to be comfortable talking to him about, um ANYTHING. but, i don't need to date him or anything constricting like that (fuck formal relationships FREE LOVE!!). i just want to fucking talk to him. i would kill to know what the fuck is going through his head when i'm on his bed in my favorite pair of underwear and he's....on the computer ignoring my existence. not healthy, right? i mean i need peace of mind. i've been getting the worst sleep, nightmares and the like, and i think the stress of this pathetic half relationship/dealing with unrequited love/lust/whatever is contributing to my lack of R.E.M.

whoa, writing it all down is taking forever but i think i need to. my mom said i should stop internalizing all my problems so i suppose this is a good outlet.

in any event, what it comes down to is i'm not happy. and my goal in life is to be happy. all the time. never sad. and Xam makes me sad sometimes. and it's not really worth it. but i don't want to give it up. because we have good sexual chemistry. rock & a hard place.


-Stellaaaaaa BLUEEEE