friday night at the cabin. should be fun. supposedly a buuuunch of people are coming so i'm pretty pumped. i'm also pumped for my trip to UTAH which i will be leaving for on sunday!! we'll see how six weeks of living with my sister for the first time in 10 years will be like. hopefully, we won't kill each other.

not much else to report on. really.

well i suppose there are other things to report on but once again i find myself suppressing and/or internalizing everything to the point where i'm not even sure what to feel/think.

i was pretty upset the other day when i found out Xam's way of repaying me for abandoning me at a train station was making out with my best friend. the more i write about my faux-relationship with Xam the more fucked up i realize it is and it's making it surprisingly easy to fall out of love with him. there's also the fact that i'll be gone for six weeks, so maybe i'm subconsciously putting up mental barriers to ward myself from any nagging feelings of sadness or yearning for a person that just does not give back. i've learned in my Intro to Comm. lecture that relationships are based off of a cost/reward system. i find myself too often in positions with friends where i give so much and get little in return. but then i have to look at it through a different perspective, the perspective of my friends. i've been broke as a joke for over a year now and maybe that's wearing my friends down a little. i can never do anything that costs money (which excludes just about everything outside of walking--the only free thing to do anymore) and i have nothing to contribute that's monetarily based. however, my group of particular friends all agree that money is the root of all evil and ideally try to forget about it's existence. realistically though, maybe i've drained them. i try my absolute best not to mooch and i NEVER ask for money or anything but i don't know... what i can't offer in money though, i try to make up for in being the best possible friend. i give emotionally, rather than monetarily. i really do pride myself in being a good friend but Certain People are rather blind to it. perhaps i've known said Certain People for too long and they still think of me in terms of 4 years ago and are too blond to notice my personal growth and change. i'm definitely nowhere near the same person i was in high school, but there could be a stigma that he just can't get over. or doesn't try to get over. or doesn't even notice.

really though, i've never met anyone so stolid. NO emotional range. i've never seen a hint of sadness or a burst of uncontrollable laughter or irrational anger, or even rational anger. whenever i examine him (which i do often, with all the non-talking the only thing i can do is observe and analyze quietly to myself), the only emotion i get from him is tired. he's just always tired.

and then the perspective comes in yet again and i realize that as consumed by thoughts of him as i am, he is just on a different page in his life. his work schedule is hectic, he doesn't come home till 10 at night and he barely gets any time to himself which should be important to people. everyone needs time to their self and he's always surrounded. all he ever does when he isn't working is watching really bad movies on HBO. and like, that's not that attractive. come on, do something else with your life. you had a long day at work but you didn't have to. you could've come home early rather than going on a ride and then out to the bar. remember you have friends at home that love you and miss you. you're never around anymore.

wow....that was...revealing. i suppose that's what i want to say to him but don't have the courage to.

this blog let's me say write things out that i'm thinking. but really, all it's achieving is making me realize how unstable i am. i like to think that i'm solid but i DO have issues, issues that need to be dealt with instead of quelled or ignored or denied.

for 1: i need to let go of Xam. it's bordering unhealthy. and if he ever like, i dunno, read this blog i would be mortified and he would probably be mortified too. like "this girl actually thinks about me this much?"

for 2: i NEED to get laid. i'm going out to Utah, basically signing myself up for 6 weeks of celibacy. i need to get laid stat. unfortunately, as whoever reads this knows (i doubt anyone reads it though), things have gone awry with Xam soooo that counts him out. he may be at the cabin tonight. i still haven't decided whether to put up my most passive aggressive front and let him wonder or act like nothing happened for the sake of getting one good lay in before i ship out. acting like nothing happened would be satisfying in the short term (about the 7.5 minutes of penetration) but ultimately it would just perpetuate my ill feelings toward both Xam and myself. playing passive aggressive and sitting back and watching how uncomfortable he is would also be satisfying in the short term but i would also ultimately gain nothing but instantly gratifying delusions that how i act actually affects this fucking untouchable, unreachable ginger.

for 3: this may sound like the first bullet but i just had a revelation and don't feel like backspacing. i need to, for once and for all, take Xam off this ridiculous pedastal i carry him on. maybe he isn't as unreachable as i've always thought. maybe he's just a regular guy with regular thoughts and maybe he has a secret blog and writes on and on about me. or about anything. i would love to read a blog that Xam writes. i would love to see him passionate about anything other than engineering bikes and mathematics.

fuckin' math majors. so hard to deal with emotionally. they see things in such different ways. they apply the rules of math to everyday life and i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's not My thing and it is Xam's thing. maybe deep down, we're just not good together.

oh shit it's 4:30, office is closing i gotta go!!

-stella b.